Praise Jesus for Crystal Meth and Male Whores!
Ah! How the mighty have fallen. Hey there, I'm Lou Ford and welcome to another episode of "Dirty Filthy Snuff". The living apitemy of hypocrisy, Ted Haggard, the subject of this introduction. We all know him, he's the antigay Evangelist minister with a huge following who was stationed in Colorado. If you remember correctly while he was publicly preaching the sin of same sex relations, but privately he was sucking cock and on the glass stem. However , it somehow turned out that despite that he could still redeem himself in the eyes of the Lord by saying that it was just a flaw, and thats gays and addicts were still damned. The good news is now he has a cure; his new church, Saint James Church.
Homosexuality is a sin, but only if your sober, or at least it's more acceptable if your Ted Haggard. When your under the influence of a mind altering substance, then hey your not responsible. I do truly wonder how he justified it to himself, that is if he actually believes in "Jezus" and the "Holy Spirit" and speaking in "Tongues", or laying of hands to cure the incurable. May be the only thing in his category that's worse is Jim Bakker, the 700 Club, the Vatican, "Jersey Shore", Ice Cube ( the rapper ), and sugar free soda; all those things that aren't what they seem. What are they called? Frauds, or phonies.
But seriously how did that play out; I mean what was sex talk like with an evangelist? Did he do role playing,
"Let's role play. You be Samson and I'll be Delilah", or "I'll be the Whale and you be Jonah?" How about what did he moan out? "Make me the man-whore of Babylon". Does Ted preach to his paid companions proclaiming "Stick thy staff in thy valley of death!"? I mean what else does he use as slang for "fucking"? Does he call his asshole his "gully hole of sin"? What about his dick? Is that his "satan rode of lusty desire"?
All things that lead to one thing, if he believes that it is an abomination, then doesn't that mean he's damned to the lake of fire too? If I remember correctly unless Jesus sodomized his followers, all Judea-christian religions have a real problem with things like men butt fucking other men. Jesus told us to turn the other cheek, not turn the other ass cheek and then get fucked.
Before I go any further, I'm sure I'm coming across a bigot, and for that I apologize. I have no right to cast judgement on anyone else, and sexual orientation does not decide whether someone is a good person or not. I am however mocking it in this case because in this case we had an asshole who went as far as to put together programs to make homosexual men straight; by attempting to change something that is probably biological just for his own comfort level and then on his free time going to suck on a glass dick as well as a fleshy one is laughable. Then on top of it trying to start a church that is supposed to welcome all in need of guidance still basically condemns those who are gay, or addicts is a fucking insult. It's just like the fuckin' Bakkers.
Jim Bakker, the wonderful minister who was convicted of accounting fraud among other things, ripping off all the "true" believers of Jesus. I guess Sam Kinison said it best about Jim Bakker in one of his routines, "Jesus is up in heaven flipping through the bible saying 'Where the hell does it say build unto me an amusement park'".
And who can forget about Tammy Faye Bakker Messner.
I mean talk about being the poster child for senicide or rather euthanasia, as well radical religious fervor can do. Just look into her eyes in all the photos of her, and tell me what you see? Nothing right, just vacancy. There is no substance, I mean the Sahara desert has less vacancy than Tammy's brain. A lobotomy patient would have more facilities for independent thought. But, I shouldn't speak ill of the dead; Ted Haggard.
So while there could be plenty more to say about the asshole bible thumper I'll just leave it with these two things. The first is this video clip of Stewie from family guy. Let's watch!
That was Stewie explaining "why kids might turn gay". Some fuckin' food for thought, huh?
The second and last thing I'll do is let the humorous, reactions of other do the talking. So without further adue, funny images, comic panels, and political cartoons making fun of Ted. Enjoy!
With that part out of the way, oh yeah by the way Tammy is dead ( not that I haven't mentioned it before ), I'll go to a new section of "Dirty Filthy Snuff" called "Does that work with everyone you say that to?". It's a list of new, funny, and all around stupid pick up lines that you can use at your own risk.
1. Is that vagina gonna eat itself?
2.Is that your vagina or a hungry horse?
3. Do you have a diaper cause I just shit myself.
4. Do you like dairy cause I just creamed my pants?
5. Do you have a bladder control problem, or you just happy to see me?
6. If I give you five dollars will you touch me?
7. Could you stick your fingers in my ass?
8. Is that a c-section or just an extension of your vagina?
9. Hey baby, you want some_________( your name in the blank ) penis?
10. Hey baby, you want some Adam West Penis? ( that is if your name is Adam West ).
11. I want to feel your clit on my tongue but I'm afraid you'll pass out.
That's our list for this issue. If you actually read this, and you have some funny and/or stupid pickup lines send to me.
And now, it's time for me to ask a question, one of those questions that make you go hum?
What's more offensive; a white guy in black face or a black guy in white face?
And now it's time for the best part of the issue/blog: "What Really Chaffs My Nuts".
Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? What really chaffs my nuts is reality TV. Yeah that television we as an intelligent species watch to see what happens when the "real world" is caught on film. "Survivor", "Blind Date", "Oprah Winfrey", "Hoarders", "The Bachelor", "Intervention", and the "Bacheloret"; all those wonderful Television shows that had scripts written for them, were taped months in advance, but yet were somehow perfect examples of the improvisation that life really is. In actuality fiction is more real than that dreg that some of our most reliable television networks provide. Shit, those cheezy 70's pornos with almost no story lines are more believable than finding love on the bachelor. A bimbo paying the pizza deliervy boy with sex seems more probable than finding sobrity from a show aired on fucking A&E.
Now granted the show is supposedly helping people, but still lets be honest is sending every fucking half conscious, slit your throat for a fix, post kid for narcan addict to a Betty Ford wanna-be clinic in Florida, right on the beach do the trick? I thought that recovery could happen any where, and that in many cases the nitty-gritty form was the best, not the posh, yuppie, I've got a craving so I better get a mud bath and a coffee enema ideal. I didn't know that to get sober you had to take a plane ride half way across the U.S. Hey, ya know maybe they'll come up with do it yourself method, or maybe even better; support groups. Wow, won't that be fucking amazing, but wait they already do have such a thing it's called the 12 steps. You know A.A., N.A., G.A., and all those other support groups that offer those afflicted with help and support. They even have their own manuals. Can you fuckin imagine? And they go by names like "The Big Book Of Alcoholics Anonymous". A&E you fucking suck with your exploiting reality TV show that's pimping out the pain of other for bullshit self serving needs. Fuck you along with all your other shitty reality shows like "Dog The Bounty Hunter", and well the shitty programing in general. You have made me lose my faith in humanity.
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And now that we've gone through that let me move on to the "Bachelor" and the "Bachelorette". Who the fuck came up with that idea? Seriously? How does anyone, anyone actually believe that someone made to live in house full of horny, lonely, dysfunctional, and self serving individuals will actually find love. Sure 'those contestants, and they are damn contestants and not guests, are pretty, sexy, and all around cute but really why would they decide to go on what is basically a PG to PG-13 television show in the hopes of finding the perfect relationship that will never fail. Real people fuck shit up, if your looking for someone to just bang, tag along, and be arm and arm then order a mail order bride, or an immigrant despite for their green card.
"Oh since our last one-on-one date I really think I've fallen in love ..."
That date was their first and only private date if you want to call it that with all the cameras around catching their G rated naughtiness which is about as erotically interesting as watching a nurse feed a geriatric patient, and now there in love. No, their not. I could find a more deeper connection with lobotomized Kirk Douglas than with anyone on those two shows. No one there shares any fuckin' true feelings of love; all that it is is a fucking chance to stay at a "Fat Crib" that is about the closest thing they'll ever get to the Playboy mansion, with free room and board as well as food and drink. Most of them aren't shit. Abandoning, their entry lives for one season on a reality TV show that will ultimately result in making their existence less important than before they auditioned. Once the sham of a marriage fails, and all the hip about who cheated on who and the whole scandal about a love child, they both fade way into nothingness. Well, that is until they resurface for a season of the "Bachelor Pad" and then the truly pathetic behavior emerges. I've ranted long enough, so I'll just close with this, crack head Bobby Brown has more creditability then anyone on either of those two shows, "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette".
Thank you for letting me vent, so now I'll entertain you with these clips from the sketch comedy show "The Whitest Kids You Know".
I hope you enjoyed these clips so much that you pissed yourself soaking your pants and whatever furniture your sitting in. That causing you to be scolded by your wife, girlfriend, friend and/or family scarring you for life resulting in you loosing your grip with reality as you seek revenge. The Madness slowing creeping in until you cut out your own heart to try to listen to it because you heard someone say that more people should stop listening so much with their ears, and more with their hearts. So insane that you eat the flesh of a rabid raccoon in an attempt at capturing its "warrior" spirit.
I'd like to close with saying thank you, tune in next time for creative writing from Ian and Joanie along with all the vulgar asshole things contained on this site.
Yours truly,
Lou Ford
