Dirty Filthy Snuff: December 2011

Hi everybody, and welcome to another issue of “Dirty Filthy Snuff”. I had been told that I reference, or rather have been referencing the cartoon show “Family Guy”. And I’ve come to the realization that it’s true, so I will pledge to you now “no more Family Guy references”. Family Guy in this context is dead to me.

Family Guy in this context is dead to me. Just like Hustler Magazine is to Stewie.

Now that I’ve gotten finished with that, I’ll move on.

So, I’ll begin with this intro: family photos that are used as holiday cards. I’m sure you have received those abominable things from some relative or campy friend who is so proud of their family that they just have the uncontrollable urge to share that self center joy to. So, you open up the envelope and pull out this photo shopped image with all the members kissing up to the camera, all smiles, and what’s even more heinous is that they’re all wearing the same hats, sweaters, with the same bullshit background, and all wearing the exact same phony smiles. Observe:

Fucking reindeer complete with rosy cheeks? I understand that it’s always fun to do silly things like this above, but really? What do think is the back story to this one? I got an idea. That guy's smiling face hides the fact that he's probably sleeping with his secretary, his wife's sister, or even one of their children. Maybe he enjoys young male prostitutes he meets on the subway on his way home from "working late" who he takes turns pleasuring in a urine scented bathroom where a homeless paranoid schizo has set up as his secret agent safe house in the stale next door. The stale that has shit stained all over it because the "spy" says that shit stops the radio transmissions. Now the wife is another story.

Miss Rosy cheeks and happy antlers there is actually a closet crackhead, who enjoys hard, violent rough sex, and golden showers. Clearing out her husbands wallet is fun. She neglecting their children is routine(if they have any), and having a drink at dinner usually means starting at noon. See how misleading pictures can be? Try this one:

What the fuck is that. I get the humor, but what the fuck. Something tells me that maybe this one was made by a sexually frustrated, very opinionated but not voting at this time indivisual. The fact that our president is Jaba the Hut is pretty bad. Why not just have Dick Chaney in black face. But this isn't a family photo.

Wonder what's going on in this picture? Well, the father has a good job, a good family life, and a dungeon underneath the house were he rapes, tortures, and mutilates young women and gay men. He occasionally poops blood due to his wife's overt prostate stimulation. He made a great first impression at parent teacher conferences where ten minutes before he had been in the boys locker room sniffing jock straps. Now what about the children? What future would these youths have? Oh, the youngest giving up a chance for a spot at Julliard for a rough trick named Jim? Will his innocent belief in Santa be crushed by walking in on his father dressed like Santa having rough sex that involves mommie' rear? What about the older boy? Will he develop a disturbing infatuation of his mother and end up dating women that eerily resemble her? Will he become a cross dresser, or maybe start having sex with transsexual prostitutes? The possibilities are endless? So next time you get a family photo Christmas card just think of who could truly be behind it? A monster? a Jr. Jeffery Dalmer in the making? A closet case homosexual with self -destructive tendencies? An adulterous? who knows so from all of us:

Seasons Fucking Greetings!

Now it's time for "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". What really chaffs my nuts are snow globes.

Yes, those round glass spheres filled with water that contains white particles that represent snow and some kind of festive scene, or land mark. I mean I understand the craftsmanship needed to construct a snow globe, but in all sincerity the last thing I really want besides, for example, a shot glass for a fucking city bought at some cheesy Sauveur shop at the airport, is some deceiving winter wonderland that I create when shaking a globe of glass that ends in a damn minute when the "snow" settles to the bottom. The falseness that makes my childhood dream of meeting "Frosty The Snowman" seem real until the music box stops playing, and it's time to shake the fucking globe again. And the damn corniness of it, just makes me want to beat the glass blower in the head with the globe until he actually believes he's in it. Or even worse, the fact that they have become so cliche' that now their being mass produced by sweat shop workers in Chinatown who are taking a brake from pushing out all of Martha Stewart's products. Those ones are made of cheap plastic; so cheap that you gotta be careful where you put it or the heat from the living room lamp will melt it. And once it leaks it nearly kills you because it's not fuckin' water but instead ether or wood alcohol, or some water from some polluted river like the Hudson. You touch it and you begin to hallucinate, learn the meaning of life after meeting god. I guess that would probably happen if you drank the water from the small world ride, and by the way what the hell is up with that fucking ride?

It's old as dirt, what fun is it? And have you ever noticed that there aren't any Jews singing?

See, they got everything; every race, and ethnicity, but no singing Isralis.

Anyway that's what snow globes are, their like those bottles of water that have blue oil in them that are supposed to resembled the ocean, the ones that have the plastic little suffer in it. When you move the the bottle the oil moves like what is supposed a wave, and some how the little suffer is going to ride the wave. What happens is the little surfer flips upside down never actually touching the fucking oil. One thing, and that is that it can be said it's a hell of a fucking way to pass the motherfucking time. It hypnotizes you into this state similar to the P.O.W.'s in the "Manchurian Candidate. In fact if it weren't for the little plastic fucking surfer, you couldn't be coresered into doing anything. With the plastic man bouncing around hypnotically, it's like a swinging pocket watch. The thing that really sucks is the ones that are made out of those clear plastic draw string bags that by the time you get home has leaked so that the inside of your luggage looks like an Alaskan oil spill. And why the hell do we need to buy souviors? Why would I want a fucking plastic snow globe of the Eiffel Tower(a gigantic french erector set) that the particles are made to look like birds when shaken? What the fuck is the point of the fucking Eiffel Tower?

Is there any other purpose than to just look like an avant-garde mistake? Did they run outta fucking building materials? Is that why they hang lights on it, to give it some substance? Anyway, as pretty as a snow globe maybe a wonderful winter wonderland, it's just that a winter wonderland suspended in time, so when you shake it up you become memorized by the beauty, and the wonderment of the season represented by the floating snow suspended in time for a brief moment. And then all the snow settles to the bottom, then the face of that ugly lapdog you never wanted, but your girlfriend demanded you get, looks at you through the snow globe magnifying it's face, scaring the shit out of you causing you to drop the decoration and it shaters. And while your happy the lie is dead, you still die a little more inside.

Happy Holidays!

Until next time,

Lou Ford

Dirty Filthy Snuff

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Sunday, December 4, 2011