Ain't  love grand. Don't you wish that this was you, especially you guys. A ball gage in you mouth, a sexy cartoon woman riding you like a horse, and who knows maybe a couple of finger in your ass.  Ya know the realization that you've have a psychotic break from reality because you can't possibly have sex with a cartoon, yet you demand that you significant other be just like said character. You become so obsessed that you by a halloween mask of that cartoon and plead for your lover to wear it during sex, but enough about my life.   Well, anyway welcome to another issue of "Dirty Filthy Snuff". After that embarrassing admission here's something to cause you to forget.

And just in case that didn't cause to forget about my sexual fantasies involving Lois Griffith here's something else. Damn it I brought it up! I'm a fuck dump ass!

I hope that that worked, helping you to forget about the fact that I try to bend over and suck my dick when I think ... shit. here's something else to help you forget.

Damn it! I did it again. Fucking made the situation by presenting the exact thing I fantasize, being tyed up by a sexy, leather clad, mistress who has no real interest in anything except how much time is left on the clock for our session. That disinterest results in her dishing out a large, immense, prodigious amount of pain that others would as being inappropriate. And while it would be viewed as unethical the sting would be so bad that I couldn't help be cream ..." Oh shit did I just write that down? Wow, I really do have issues. So, I'll try this image to distract uyofrom the fact that I just shared way too much information. Like wanting to oil ... no, just look at this pic.

Now there we go, we've all have forgotten everything that has been written before, now go vomit up whatever you haven't already and I'll see you back here in a little while.

Okay, are you done. Wipe off the corner of your mouth, and will get down to it. My name is Lou Ford and welcome once again to another issue of "Dirty Filthy Snuff". I'll really start this issue with two poems written by two friends of mine. The first one is by a woman named Joanie. It's titled "A Seed In Time".

A seed in time grows light divine 

along rivers and trails

rocks and nails 

forms each perfect limb 

imprinted within 

the path to home.

Along the way we stop to play

honoring our karma's

throughout the day.

Watching these seeds grow 

in our gardens of love

lets us remember 

we are held from above. 

Our great spirits Fathers inconceivable 

care penetrates each feather 

of luminous hair

As seed gives birth to seed

as we nurture our human need 

to grow, to shape, to plow, to make 

each child's soul 

know its goal

From father to son

the funs just begun!

A cosmic Father's Day!

 Ridiculous or not it's creative and pretty interesting. The next one coming up is a poem of particular interest for me. It is by Ian. It is titled "Family Man".

I am discontented 

You are disconcerted 

Disaster and destruction,

we've flirted 

Then we fucked.

Now we have kids.

Wasn't that sweet. He really struck a nerve with that. Just fills you full of joy, hope, and renews our faith in love.

Look at the bliss all around us. So much joy, so much vitality, so much bullshit! Sure we maybe happy, but it's not through utopia of companionship alone. No, it;s usually after something like this:

That's what happens. Right? Isn't it that boy meets girl, they like each other, they date, they fuck, they marry, but then it all changes. Then there's; pregnancy, children, mortgages, in-laws that disapprove of you, boring sex, no sex, affairs, emotional castration, spousal abuse, rape, attempted murder, restraining orders, rebellious kids, substance abuse and addiction, and eventually a pathetic death when the prostitute doesn't cut the rope after you climax. The police find your stiff body swinging from shower curtain rod with in silk stocks, lace panties, garter belt  and all. Isn't wonderful to fully understand what in our future? 

Now several messages by those not sponsoring us.

     

Have you wanted memorabilia from your favorite celebrity, but don't have the money for that special one of a kind souvenir? Well we may have the answer. What about the stuff that celebrities could have owned, but didn't? That sound good? If so then our staff at "All Most Famous, But Not Quite Auctioneers" have the items  you need. Take for instance the life vest that Natalie Wood could have worn the day she drowned, but didn't.       

Here's Natalie Wood.

And here are some life vest, life vests she never wore.

How about the plunger used to unclong Elvis' toilet after he died. 

Here is Elvis, we all remember the king.

And here is a plunger.

And now for a limited time we're offering this almost original one in a million, would be a diamond in the ruff if it weren't glass, item. Do you know what that is? Do ya? Huh huh huh?! Guess what, guess what guess what?! ?

It is the Narcan that River Phenix didn't the night he overdosed on the curb outside the "Viper Room". 

This is River Phenix, right bellow:

  

And here is the Narcan:

Oh shit that's fucking Crystal Meth. Damn it where's the photo of the ampt, come on where did I put that picture. Where, where on, where. Wait here it is:

  

Shit, that isn't supposed to be up there, damn it, I'm, gonna get fucking sued or something for vulgar and explised material. Goddamn image of the drug use, that's not very appealing, wait a minute that's the whole point of this publication. It's fucking vulgar, as vulgar as the idea of this whole idea, so if you have an idol who you'd want to have memorabilia of, but your welfare hasn't come in yet, then call us; the "Almost Famous But Not Quite Auctioneers". It's the place where the items have never belonged to a celeb, but they could have been. And anyway when your this broke what difference does it make? 

So for all your maybe possible memorabilia call us at 1-800-fukingworthlessshit or at www.allmostfamousbutnotquitesowhythehellyoubuyingitdumpass.com

Oh shit there's the Narcan pic. Yeahhhhh! Call Now.

Up next on the agenda are more pick up for you to try. Welcome to "Does That Work With Everyone You Say It To?".  Some might make you laugh, some might get you slapped, and some might get arrested, but one thing is for sure by the end of the day if you some of these lines it'll be garrenteed that you'll be going to hell. Or on the sex offenders list. That being said let us proceed.   

1. Can I play with my matchbox cars on your gianormus, colossal tits?

2. Do you own, or rent? When asked "what?" the response is simply "The space on your chest for those mountains you call breasts".

3. Is that your camel toe, or do you just have a peach half in your pants?

4. Is that fish smell because you haven't washed your pussy, or do I make you horny?

5. Do you like strawberries because I got wipe cream in my pants?

6. You wanna do a 68? You go down on me , and I'll owe you one.

7. If I flip a coin what are the chances of me getting head?

8. Do you like sewing cause I wanna weave my DNA with yours?

9. Do you work at a Subway? Because you just gave me a foot long.

10. Do you donuts because I'd love to glaze you?  

  

And now it's joke time, and here is a gem:

A black guy, a white guy, and an asian guy are walking down a country road. All three had just been laid off, and had no place to go. Luckily they had come upon an enormous fruit farm where they grew every kind of fruit imaginable. Desperate, they decided to go as the farmer if he would show them some mercy, and board them form the night. 

Knocking on the door they were greeted by a burly good old boy, and a beautiful, radiant, sexy young woman.

Asking if they could stay the night, the farmer answered, "Ya'll welcome here, but if any ya bump uglys with my daughter then I'm kill you."

Knowing that that beautiful woman was the farmers daughter at first they refrained from engaging in anyway with her despite her flirting. Once the house had gone to bed, all three had succumbed to their desires, and slept with the farmer's daughter. In the morning they were awaken by a shotgun in their faces. Being lead out into the fields, the farmer lined them up.

Looking at them he said "Ya'll dishonoreded my daughter and I should shot you, but I'll give ya'll a chance, if ya pick a fruit and you can shove a 100 pieces of it up your ass I'll let you live."

The White guy was up first and he choose apples. He was up to 30, 31 ... but then he hold anymore, and they all fell out. The Farmer shot him dead. Up next was the black guy. Now the black was clever, and he chose grapes. He was going, getting up to 97, 98, 99 ... but then he burst into laughter causing all the grapes to fall out of his ass. 

The farmer looked at him, and said "I gotta shoot ya, but before I do, what happened? You were so close? Why'd you laugh?" 

The black guy, ever aware of his demise, exclaimed "Cause my man's out there picking water melons!"

HA HA HA! Moving along.

 Up next is the the section entitled "Questions that make you say hhhhhuuuummm?"

Which is more painful: Loosing your virginity to a cactus or going down on Judge Judy to get out of pay restitution? 

Think about it and get back to me.

 


           There we go, a more realistic, dirtier version of Family Circus. Just imagine if one day you opened the paper to the funnies and there was the Father Family Circus fucking his wife. That'd be a new lesion for the day, huh? 

And now it's time for the thing we've all been waiting for, it's time for "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". In this episode I will talking about the bureaucratic bullshit letters that we recieve when a job, or the government rejects us. Now I know that this sounds strange, but at my wife's job they had laid off a large portion of their work force. My wife got lucky and was spared. When she told me that I asked if they really did include a letter, a polite and politically correct letter explaining that they were laying you off. Now I have never seen one, but getting rejection letters from colleges and such, I can only imagine. It would probably be something like this:    

Dear Sir or Madame:

We are writing to inform you that regretfully have to terminate your employment with us due to bla bla bla bla. We are sorry for this inconvenience ( or something more stronger of a meaning ) and wish you luck on your future ventures.

Now granted that that maybe a the best way to say it, but in all honesty when you've been given your walking paper, and escorted out by security, don't you think the least they could do is give you an honest letter letting you know where you stand. For instance:

Dear Sir or Madame: 

We regret to inform your dumb ass that while the higher ups are keeping their jobs, you however, counting as nothing more than overhead are now shit outta luck. In other words you've just been fucked out of a job, and while we may say we're sorry in actuality we're up in the board room laughing our ass off at your soon to be on welfare ass. Now Piss Off. 

Or Maybe this would be better for those multi-million dollar companies:   

Dear Fuckhead:

We are kinda sorry to in form you that well, due to economic problems that is forcing us to down size we have decided that you no longer fit into our financial plan. We have therefore decided to give your job to a hindi who will happily take the low wage we are offering to them rather than rummage through  the landfill that is their fuckin' home for anything recyclable. Plus to be quiet honest with your peasant ass, we CEOs don't want to give up our high brow lifestyle in order to pay you a fair wage.

I know that I personally have to support my family, a mistress, a summer home, a winter home, a yatcha, and a private jet, not to mention all the 20 dollar whores I take to flop houses where I can smoke meth and fuck or at least try to unless I'm flaccid. But what difference does it make. The whores stay until the job is done. And that's what the day labors I pick up outside delis who choke me in the shower while I masturbate every sunday while my wife is at her book club and my kids are at the mall. 

So in short while we're do regret  canning your ass, in reality things will be better without you or your fellow co-works. Here is your last pay check. Have a nice life cock sucker.

See, now wouldn't that be so much more refreshing than all that formality, nice beating around the bush. That's  what we really need, the fuck you letter that they give us. And the same should be done with rejects letters for colleges, just tell us the fuck why.  

And that's what really chaffs my nuts.

So in closing I would like to thank Seth MacFarlane, all those who have contributed, my own idiocy, and well the world for all the humor and irony it contains. On yeah thank you "Family Circus". Everything I write and do is a joke and meant for laughter. Take care until next time, 

Lou Ford             

Praise Jesus for Crystal Meth and Male Whores!

Ah! How the mighty have fallen. Hey there, I'm Lou Ford and welcome to another episode of "Dirty Filthy Snuff". The living apitemy of hypocrisy, Ted Haggard, the subject of this introduction. We all know him, he's the antigay Evangelist minister with a huge following who was stationed in Colorado. If you remember correctly while he was publicly preaching the sin of same sex relations, but privately he was sucking cock and on the glass stem. However , it somehow turned out that despite that he could still redeem himself  in the eyes of the Lord by saying that it was just a flaw, and thats gays and addicts were still damned. The good news  is now he has a cure; his new church, Saint James Church.

 Homosexuality is a sin, but only if your sober, or at least it's more acceptable if your Ted Haggard. When your under the influence of a mind altering substance, then hey your not responsible. I do truly wonder how he justified it to himself, that is if he actually believes in "Jezus" and the "Holy Spirit" and speaking in "Tongues", or laying of hands to cure the incurable. May be the only thing in his category that's worse is Jim Bakker, the 700 Club, the Vatican, "Jersey Shore", Ice Cube ( the rapper ), and sugar free soda; all those things that aren't what they seem. What are they called? Frauds, or phonies. 

But seriously how did that play out; I mean what was sex talk like with an evangelist? Did he do role playing, 

"Let's role play. You be Samson and I'll be Delilah", or "I'll be the Whale and you be Jonah?" How about what did he moan out? "Make me the man-whore of Babylon". Does Ted preach to his paid companions proclaiming "Stick thy staff in thy valley of death!"? I mean what else does he use as slang for "fucking"? Does he call his asshole his "gully hole of sin"? What about his dick? Is that his "satan rode of lusty desire"?

All things that lead to one thing, if he believes that it is an abomination, then doesn't that mean he's damned to the lake of fire too? If I remember correctly unless Jesus sodomized his followers, all Judea-christian religions have a real problem with things like men butt fucking other men. Jesus told us to turn the other cheek, not turn the other ass cheek and then get fucked. 

Before I go any further, I'm sure I'm coming across a bigot, and for that I apologize. I have no right to cast judgement on anyone else, and sexual orientation does not decide whether someone is a good person or not. I am however mocking it in this case because in this case we had an asshole who went as far as to put together programs to make homosexual men straight; by attempting to change something that is probably biological just for his own comfort level and then on his free time going to suck on a glass dick as well as a fleshy one is laughable. Then on top of it trying to start a church that is supposed to welcome all in need of guidance still basically condemns those who are gay, or addicts is a fucking insult. It's just like the fuckin' Bakkers.  

    

Jim Bakker, the wonderful minister who was convicted of accounting fraud among other things, ripping off all the "true" believers of Jesus. I guess Sam Kinison said it best about Jim Bakker in one of his routines, "Jesus is up in heaven flipping through the bible saying 'Where the hell does it say build unto me an amusement park'". 

And who can forget about Tammy Faye Bakker Messner.

I mean talk about being the poster child for senicide or rather euthanasia, as well radical religious fervor can do. Just look into her eyes in all the photos of her, and tell me what you see? Nothing right, just vacancy. There is no substance, I mean the Sahara desert has less vacancy than Tammy's brain.  A lobotomy patient would have more facilities for independent thought. But, I shouldn't speak ill of the dead; Ted Haggard.

So while there could be plenty more to say about the asshole bible thumper I'll just leave it with these two things. The first is this video clip of Stewie from family guy. Let's watch!

       

That was Stewie explaining "why kids might turn gay". Some fuckin' food for thought, huh?

The second and last thing I'll do is let the humorous, reactions of other do the talking. So without further adue, funny images, comic panels, and political cartoons making fun of Ted. Enjoy!

  

With that part out of the way, oh yeah by the way Tammy is dead ( not that I haven't mentioned it before ), I'll go to a new section of "Dirty Filthy Snuff" called "Does that work with everyone you say that to?".  It's a list of new, funny, and all around stupid pick up lines that you can use at your own risk.

1. Is that vagina gonna eat itself?

2.Is that your vagina or a hungry horse?

3. Do you have a diaper cause I just shit myself.

4. Do you like dairy cause I just creamed my pants?

5. Do you have a bladder control problem, or you just happy to see me?

6. If I give you five dollars will you touch me?

7. Could you stick your fingers in my ass?

8. Is that a c-section or just an extension of your vagina?

9.  Hey baby, you want some_________( your name in the blank ) penis?

10. Hey baby, you want some Adam West Penis? ( that is if your name is Adam West ).

11.  I want to feel your clit on my tongue but I'm afraid you'll pass out.

That's our list for this issue. If you actually read this, and you have some funny and/or stupid  pickup lines send  to me.

And now, it's time for me to ask a question, one of those questions that make you go hum?

What's more offensive; a white guy in black face or a black guy in white face? 

And now it's time for the best part of the issue/blog: "What Really Chaffs My Nuts".

Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? What really chaffs my nuts is reality TV. Yeah that television we as an intelligent species watch to see what happens when the "real world" is caught on film. "Survivor", "Blind Date", "Oprah Winfrey", "Hoarders", "The Bachelor", "Intervention", and the "Bacheloret"; all those wonderful Television shows that had scripts written for them, were taped months in advance, but yet were somehow perfect examples of the improvisation that life really is. In actuality fiction is more real than that dreg that some of our most reliable television networks provide. Shit, those cheezy 70's pornos with almost no story lines are more believable than finding love on the bachelor. A bimbo paying the pizza deliervy boy with sex seems more probable than finding sobrity from a show aired on fucking A&E.          

       

Now granted the show is supposedly helping people, but still lets be honest is sending every fucking half conscious, slit your throat for a fix, post kid for narcan addict to a Betty Ford wanna-be clinic in Florida, right on the beach do the trick? I thought that recovery could happen any where, and that in many cases the nitty-gritty form was the best, not the posh, yuppie, I've got a craving so I better get a mud bath and a coffee enema ideal. I didn't know that to get sober you had to take a plane ride half way across the U.S. Hey, ya know maybe they'll come up with do it yourself method, or maybe even better; support groups. Wow, won't that be fucking amazing, but wait they already do have such a thing it's called the 12 steps. You know A.A., N.A., G.A., and all those other support groups that offer those afflicted with help and support. They even have their own manuals. Can you fuckin imagine? And they go by names like "The Big Book Of Alcoholics Anonymous". A&E you fucking suck with your exploiting reality TV show that's pimping out the pain of other for bullshit self serving needs. Fuck you along with all your other shitty reality shows like "Dog The Bounty Hunter", and well the shitty programing in general. You have made me lose my faith in humanity.  

"

And now that we've gone through that let me move on to the "Bachelor" and the "Bachelorette". Who the fuck came up with that idea? Seriously? How does anyone, anyone actually believe that someone made to live in house full of horny, lonely, dysfunctional, and self serving individuals will actually find love. Sure 'those contestants, and they are damn contestants and not guests, are pretty, sexy, and all around cute but really why would they decide to go on what is basically a PG to PG-13 television show in the hopes of finding the perfect relationship that will never fail. Real people fuck shit up, if your looking for someone to just bang, tag along, and be arm and arm then order a mail order bride, or an immigrant despite for their green card. 

"Oh since our last one-on-one date I really think I've fallen in love ..."

That date was their first and only private date if you want to call it that with all the cameras around catching their G rated naughtiness which is about as erotically interesting as watching a nurse feed a geriatric patient, and now there in love. No, their not. I could find a more deeper connection with lobotomized Kirk Douglas than with anyone on those two shows. No one there shares any fuckin' true feelings of love; all that it is is a fucking chance to stay at a "Fat Crib" that is about the closest thing they'll ever get to the Playboy mansion, with free room and board as well as food and drink. Most of them aren't shit. Abandoning, their entry lives for one season on a reality TV show that will ultimately result in making their existence less important than before they auditioned. Once the sham of a marriage fails, and all the hip about who cheated on who and the whole scandal about a love child, they both fade way into nothingness. Well, that is until they resurface for a season of the "Bachelor Pad" and then the truly pathetic behavior emerges. I've ranted long enough, so I'll just close with this, crack head  Bobby Brown has more creditability then anyone on either of those two shows, "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette".  

Thank you for letting me vent, so now I'll entertain you with these clips from the sketch comedy show "The Whitest Kids You Know".

     

   I hope you enjoyed these clips so much that you pissed yourself soaking your pants and whatever furniture your sitting in. That causing you to be scolded by your wife, girlfriend, friend and/or family scarring you for life resulting in you loosing your grip with reality as you seek revenge. The Madness slowing creeping in until you cut out your own heart to try to listen to it because you heard someone say that more people should stop  listening so much with their ears, and more with their hearts. So insane that you eat the flesh of a rabid raccoon  in an attempt at capturing its "warrior" spirit. 

I'd like to close with saying thank you, tune in next time for creative writing from Ian and Joanie along with all the vulgar asshole things contained on this site. 

Yours truly, 

Lou Ford    

Hello and welcome to another issue of “Dirty Filthy Snuff”. I’m Lou Ford, and due to a network problem this is a replacement for the last one that may not have been posted. I would like to start by presenting a piece of artwork by my friend King. He is a very talented man, and I’m a big fan of his work.

It’s a beautiful piece, and one fitting for this blog/literary magazine just like this one is too:

Talk about a tragically humorous turn of events. If this kinda thing happened more often I don’t think hunting would be deemed a sport. It would be more of an act of defense. I don’t know, but could you imagine going hiking with the fearful prospect that Bambi may  turn you into his bitch. “Don’t drop the pine cone”.

That reminds me of a corny joke: Joe was going bear hunting for the first time and he was extremely excited. He could hardly contain himself as he loaded his car with his gear. Out in the woods his anxiety reached its peak as he caught sight of a small black bear. Joe’s heart almost beating out of his chest, he raised his hunting rifle, and took aim. Shooting the bear, Joe’s joy exploded out of him, and he laughed at his accomplishment, that is until there was a tap on his shoulder. Caught off guard, he slowly turned around to see a brown bear towering over him.

Looking down at Joe, the said this, “You got two options, either I maul you to death, or I fuck you in the ass.”

Not wanting to die, Joe fearfully chose the latter. And so the bear had his way with Joe, leaving him wounded and traumatized. Alive, it took Joe several weeks to recovered. Once healed, Joe decided that it was time for pay back, and so he decided to go bearing hunting again, in an effort to hunt down the creature that had harmed him. Back out in the woods, a brown bear had caught his eye and Joe shot it. Now extremely happy, he felt redeemed. That is until he felt another tap on his shoulder. Terrified he turned around, and standing before him was a Massive, giant Grizzly Bear.

Staring down at Joe the Grizzly bear explained, “You got two options, either I maul you to death or I fuck you in the ass.”

Once again Joe horrifically chose life, and so the grizzly had his way with Joe. Alive Joe was once more left alive, but deeply wounded and traumatized. It took him several months to heal, but once he had Joe had decided on attempting to get revenge, and so once again he set to go hunt down the grizzly, and kill him.

Out in the forest, Joe was able to track down the bear. Seeing it in his sights, he shot the large creature. In a triumphant expression of joy, Joe hollowed loudly. He could really taste the sweet satisfaction of vengeance, Joe even went so far as to do a celebratory/touchdown celebration dance in honor of his victory. But then he received a third tap on his shoulder. Jolted into a phantasmal state Joe once again turned around. There towering over him was this monstrous mountain of teeth, claws, and white fur that was a Polar bear.

Staring down at the terrified man, the bear smirked “Be honest Joe, you don’t come out here for the hunting do you?”

That entertaining? If not try this sketch drawn by King.

It’s a constipated Pikachu on the toilet.

With the economy being so bad, I have come up with an idea for a good business, as well as a good way for the common man to get some kind of justice. The idea is to have a singing telegram service that would deliver “Fuck-you-a-grams”.    

Had enough of the Trials and Tribulations of life? Hate how unfair the Universe is? Do you hate your boss, your ex, your parents, the garbage man, or maybe even your children? Do you want to tell them how you feel, but don’t want to dirty your hands? Do you not want to have to deal with the consequences, and just stay anonymous? No problem. Contact us at 1-800-FUCK-YOU or at www.ihateyoufuckingassholecocksuckerwhoreprickpratebitch/makemeworklateandmissmykidssoccergamewhileyoufuckyoursecretary/wifewhowonttouchmebutwillthrowherselfattheupsdeliverymandrainourbankaccountalcohlicpainkilleraddictedslagwhogavemechildrenwhoarenothingmorethanmouthstofeedwhoonlywantbrandnamethingsandconsidermyveryexsistenceanembaressment/husbandwhocouldcarelessaboutmytirerlesseffortsatlookingmybestbutwillmasturbatetoourdaughters17yearoldfriendandfuckmysisteronouranniversaryimpregnatingherdemandinganabortionbutthennotpayforit.com and we’ll take care of it for you. Just look at our menu of options and decide what would fit best for you. A singing fuck-you-a-gram? Maybe a kick in the nuts, or how about a scalding hot cup of coffee in the face? Whatever it is we can work it out, because after all we’re doing it for money. So remember when just thinking fuck you isn’t enough, but saying it could be too detrimental call us because after all, just like lawyers, it’s our job to fuck people over.

And now ladies and gentle men it’s time for “What Really Chaffs My Nuts”:

Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? John Wayne Bobbit. Yes the asshole who while intoxicated had raped his abused wife, who later that evening had castrated him. That’s the dickmunch I’m talking about. Now I know he hasn’t really been in the media’s spotlight recently, but while I was suffering the world wide web, I came across the Lorena Bobbit case. Reading about it made me realize one thing, how fucking stupid does someone have to be to decide that the best career field to go into after being made into a fucking unick of sorts would be porn. I mean seriously, what would be so appealing about some wife beating frankinpenis trying to work his former dismembered member to pleasing some porn star in hope’s of actually being able to achieve the “money shot”. The other question I got is what fucking production company, or director had the enlightened epiphany that a piece of shit like that would somehow be the best choice for such a roll.  “John Wayne Bobbit: Uncut”?

 Seriously, how much fucking revenue did that honestly bring in? And oh yeah, what was the pitch like in that conference room?

“So, guys get this, and before you say anything just hear me out … a porno staring that dude who got his dick sliced off by his wife, Lorena. What’s his name? Joe? John? Yeah, John Bobbit. See apparently that freak somehow still has some movement down there, and well he really needs the money, so I figure we bring a shit load of hot ass porn stars as filler cause you know it’s in their contract, and hey instead of a fluffer, we’ll just have to get a really powerful shop vac to help John out. I guess if that doesn’t work we always got duct tape and popsicle sticks.”

Really, who the fuck signed off on that? And I mean the idea of then becoming a UFC fighter, wouldn’t it just be common sense in some instances that with a very symbolic “organ” like his dick being sliced off that you might want to refrain from activities that would put it at risk. Yes, you might feel extremely inclined to prove yourself to the world after that, but in all honesty, I really do not believe that anyone is going to take you seriously after that.

The only good thing that came out of Lorena mutilating him is that it showed that abuse is not acceptable, and that there are consequences. In fact he was lucky she didn’t kill him. By that happening did in some senses bring awareness to the truth that many suffer from that pain, and that more needs to be done. Johnny boy probably got what he deserved though I don’t entirely agree with the violence. And that’s what really chaffs my nuts.  

And so in honor of you John “The Unick” Bobbit, I’ll end this segment with this image.

Well, that’s it for this issue of “Dirty Filthy Snuff”. Until next time,

Lou Ford

Hello and welcome back to another issue of Dirty Filthy Snuff. I was gone for two weeks so it's time for me to play catch-up. Since the last time, I guess a lot has happened. The Royal Wedding which is basically the equivalent of Cinderella only with less integrity. But hey, I mean with a family that has had to cover up as many  scandals as the Royals, I guess this is a good thing. I guess the Royals are the British Kennedy's. Anyway, here we are at another installment of "Dirty Filthy Snuff", and there are just so much to cover, like tour guides, sheep skin condoms; I don't know other stuff that chaffs my nuts.

Oh, yeah when there is memorabilia, like this picture shows,  concerning the leaders of a countries nation, and not just campaign crap, but other such things as cheesy coffee mugs, or t-shirts I think says a lot. But anyway, here's something you'll really like:

 I am sorry to say, but this week we will not have any short fiction, so I'll have to find another way to entertain you until next time when I should have more creative fiction to share. With that being said, try this out and see how you like it:

  Yeah!!! What the fuck would you do if you saw this fucking thing crashing up on the shore in front you and your girlfriend? The shark bits your girlfriend and she screams this bloodcurdling scream that hit just the right tone that you blast a dookie outta your ass. You feel the warm mushiness as you frantically run to the rescue of your love. Charging, you jump kick the bear whose Tommie gun bursts chew up the sand before you. As the two of you fall time slows as the two of you kung fu fight in mid-air before slamming to the sand. There's a squeal, and when you look up there is Flipper, all buff, and welding a pair of nun-chucks. As that porpoise twists, flings and juggling the deadly weapon, you hear that Flipper is playing the theme song from his T.V. show with each slice of the air. You use the five point exploding heart technique on the grizzly bear. He firers off the machine gun, as he collapses when his ticker burst inside his chest. His roar echos in your ear as your attention turns to your girlfriend. She grasps on to you as her little bloody stumps kicked feverishly in the air.
"I can't feel my legs!"
As she squirts blood all over the place, her nubs are a blur ....

Okay, let me stop there. Don't know what the fuck happened but at least you got a little creative fiction.


Anyway, I think that it is about time for "What Really Chaffs My Nuts".

Okay, and now it's time for "What Really Chaffs My Nuts".

Ya know what really chaffs my nuts? Tour guides. Yeah the people we pay to load us on a bus, a stuffy bus with a hairy, middle aged driver ( the same 45 your old man we see in all those cheesy Hollywood movies who is on the Blvd. in a Dodge Aries trying to pick up the underage prostitute, the drive is that 45 year old ) while she tells us the edited version of the "famous" history of a sight as she handed out cheap ass head sets for us to listen to while we're walking ruins that have now been overrun by strays, and the mentally ill panhandlers. Then once that is done she proceeds to sell you down the river. What I mean is that have you ever seen the movie "Deep Water" where the two scuba diver where left behind and ended up being eaten by sharks, well that's what she do to us. "Now we'll give you some time to shop for souvenirs" and then she abandons us in a sea of con artist, merchants, and pick-pockets who once they see we are tourist then they start a feeding frenzy.
"T-shirts!"
"You want buy rug"
"Flags!"
"Real gold and silver jewelry. Cheap, I make good deal-good price!"
 After wards she come in like the lackadaisical parent picking up her kids at day care, a smile on her face all excited about what fun we may have had, not caring that one of the worker is actually a Megan's Law applicant.
"Did you buy all the gifts you wanted?"
And we somehow despite all the pain, all bullshit, and the gauntlet of half truths, we all answer "yes". We smile and listen to her conclusion before she asks for the cheap headsets which we later realize were probably just wiped down with Lysol before repackaging them. At the end of the day the bus drops us off at our hotels, our Cruise ships, or our resorts with a hug and a kiss to mask the fact that she's just fucked us in the ass with a soft cock. And That's What Really Chaffs My Nuts.



The last piece of this is "Questions That Make You Go Hummm!"


This issues question is:

Which would you be more willing to do? Would you be more willing to kiss Gary Busey, open mouth, for 30 seconds if it meant you wouldn't have to retrieve Janet Reno's birth control pills that fell out of her purse and into the excrement collected in a porter potty?

Think about it and get back to me.


Until next time,

Lou Ford.