The Real Dick Chenney. 

Isn't this kinda a turn on to know that beneath that possible Fascist exterior of the only vice president to be legally allowed to shoot a friend in the face with birdshot from a twelve gage also has a more sensitive, feminine side to him. I wonder what is a romantic date to him? Strawberries and whipped cream laced with his nitroglycerin pills? Just thinking about it sends shivers up my spine. Oh Yeah! 

Having said that, now it's time for our introduction. The opening for this issue or whatever you want to call this is all the goddamn remakes of all the eighty's moves that were ever made. Now, I get that we need to at times take a truly fan-fucking-dab-doosey-tastic move and rewrite it for a modern audience, that's fine. But as I am 

sure many would agree, there are some films that just shouldn't be touched. The whole idea of a remake of Alfred Hitcock's "Dial M For Murder" With the film "The Perfect Murder". I mean don't get me wrong Viggo Mortensen is great in just about everything he does, but fucking Michael Douglas, shit, unless you got a thing for spineless, unshapely things he just sucks. They have as usual continued, in the traditional capitalist, we own everything, Hollywood has decided to produce any old crap that will make a buck. Well, not all the time. Still, lets be honest there are some crack whores who are charitable than many in the business.

  Observe; Whitney, now a crackhead, is she more giving than, oh, the increasing psychotic Mel Gibson?

Yes, that Fanatical Catholic an altruistic man? Fuck no. Insane prick who happens to be lucky to have the knack for good story telling. 

Anyway, so now were on this whole kick of remaking every god-mother-fucking-damned film that our younger generation hasn't seen. That's why they remade "Nightmare On Elm Street", and fucking "Friday The !3th". I mean in all honesty "Friday The 13th" sucked to begin with, however it is a cult classic just like "Saturday Night Fever". Then of course came "Halloween". Rob Zombie is great, but the shit he gave us was so fucking affective at presenting a strikingly dark depiction of humanity I was so sensually disgusted that I thought I was gonna have to try to remove my own liver with my bare hands to somehow gain back my faith in the idea of hope. And so now they have begun to remake all the other cult classics, like the "Thing". I fucking wonder whose gonna play the alien? Joan Rivers? The movie poster for the remake says "It's not human, yet." Under that there should be a picture of Joan River's plastic surgeon. And believe it or not now they're remaking "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo". That should be great. But seriously, sometimes the first try is the best. Such as "Last House on the Left". The first one in my option already kinda hokey, with all the damn folk/acid music for a sound track, but then the second one ... But anyway, "Fright Night" has now been the latest in the remake trend. Hence, now we are presented with the performance of an irish actor, Colin Farrel, whose last Blockbuster Hollywood film was so transparent I begged for a carnivorous earwig to devour the back of my eyes. I just wanted there to be a gas leak that would result a wall of fiery, brim-stoney flame to roast in bath of purification. 

S.W.A.T.?

Really, a film about a bunch of hard-nosed flunky police officers from L.A. of course, who have nothing better to do but arrest perps in a very campy fashion. 100% quality Kato Kaolin would have been more convincing.

Yeah, we all remember that douchebag.. He would have been a breath of fresh air. Now we've got a remake of the wondrous film of "Conan The Barbarian" which again maybe a surprising entertaining piece of art that does cult classics honor. I mean let's face it, Arnold Schwarzenegger  is not a Gary Oldman, a Peter O'toole, or a fucking Robert Mitchum. With the exception of "Predator", "The Terminator", and "T2", he never had much to offer. With that in mind, Hollywood has also decided to remake "Total Recall". Again a cult classic, but still something that I wonder whether it need be touched. I know what you maybe thinking, who the hell is this jackass to making judgmental criticism about an institution that is obviously successful, and that has given our Western societies so much meaning, and your right. I probably shouldn't be, except for one reason, and that reason is that you and I as consumers are what make the money for that industry, hence forth  not wanting to see 20 some odd remakes of "Cyborg" movies, or "Count Dracula" retelling does hold some weight. That being said it is true that almost everything has been done, and so new ideas, and perspectives are hard to find. That in mind it is also true that material no matter how good the story line just isn't appropriate for mass consumption. A possibly wonderful science fiction story about aliens, and the nature of mankind that encompasses a man who has a flesh eating "little green" creature nesting in his ass is not something that could or should be given a mass release. And that does mean even if there is an excellent story line.

The only question I have now is are they gonna start remaking those teenage, high school quirky John Hughes films? Who will be in the cast of "The Breakfast Club" remake? Paris Hilton as Claire Standish, the "Princess"? Is Brittany Spears gonna be "The Basket case"? What about Mel Gibson as the "Dick" principle? How about Ron Jeremy as the teen friendly janitor, or Gary Busey. 

But, the point is that we as a society seemed to have lost our imaginations. I'll take a story about an ass dwelling alien, then see a retelling of a half assed scifi story set on fucking Mars with a three breasted midget hooker. Anyway, moving on.

                          

Hey did you know that Sarah Palin is really a dude. Yeah that's right under that suit and heels is really a muscle bound, mixed martal arts, kill a Kodak bear with her/his bare hands kinda creature. Truly the perfect right wing female member. When the family goes on vacations, Sarah aka "Sergio" Palin is rubbing tanning location on "her" husband. Repulsed, and yet strangely aroused? Join the club. 

And now we begin with the real reason that anyone has come to this blog/literary magazine. It's time for "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". The topic this time is men who are "pussy whipped".  

Now we all know what I'm talking about, those guys who have their whole lives are decided for them by their girlfriends or wives. Their the kind that are holding their girl's purses while they're shopping or while she's using the powder room. They are the ones who ...oh hold on. Did I do all my chores today? Let me check my list: laundry?

I washed the colors, but did I fold them? Yup. How about the whites? Yes, and folded yes! What about the delicates? Her bras ...Oh I didn't mean to say that. 

Anyway, they're the guys who are in the ten items or less line purchasing nine feminine hygiene, and a case of beer just so he doesn't look like a pussy?

 And by the way what brand of tamp ...

That was never written, forget that it was there. Because we're not talking about my femdom controlled life, we're talking about those other guys who go out on dates with matching t-shirts "That Say I'm With Her" and "I'm With Him". I mean men are supposed to be like Alpha dogs, big men, the boss, fucking Heman, or Conan  the Barbarian, but instead they get their lives run by She-man, or Red Sonya. A woman like Sarah Palin. Seriously they should just get it over with and bend over and take the mop handle in the ass, just accept it. Seriously, and that's my option on that subject. Well, I got to go before my wife gets home, and flogs me with a bamboo cain, and cuts me with a broken wine bottle for not cleaning the house. 

OH GOD I'M SCARED!

Lou Ford.

            

                    

Hello, and welcome to another issue of "Dirty Filthy Snuff". I would like to apologize for not coming out with something sooner, I have been working on a the next installment, so to entertain you I now present "The Happy Tree Friends". Until next time enjoy!

You remember how much fun sugar was when you were a kid? The joy and endless bounds of  exuberant, hysterical bubbly lunacy you feel that causes you to race around the back yard like as if you a rabid animal foaming at the mouth. That first gulp of soda which introduced what some might consider to kittie cocaine. How about pixie stixs?

 Yeah, you know that wondrous fruit flavored candy that was and is a refined, high-test form of  sugar cane that turned ordinary children into raving mauditable, speaking in tongues lunies. Now they were anything but nonaddictive. It was almost like a slow progression of dependency. First you and your friends were eating the delectable sweets like this:

And what at first was just a few sips soon turned into this orgy of red, blue, green, and orange powdered euphoric depravity of your childhood innocence rotting away. An innocence that would soon decay into this:

  One day you get dared by your friends to snort a stick, and wham bam! Just covering your taste buds with sweetness just isn't enough, you just have to fill your nasal cavity with the powdery fruitiness. And then well, nothing else matters; it's all about that next paper straw of legalized candy depravity that offers you an experience similar to that of "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factor", but only to leave your with burning nostrils, sweet tasting post nasual drip, sleepless nights and pissed off parents. Under the influence of the supposedly harmless treat, the adults in your life have no other choice, but to believe that you have ADHD, are mentally disturbed, or even austic. So you get dosed up with Ritalin, get thrown in the special ED call with those kids who pretend that their constantly driving trucks, wear mittens and have signs hanging are their necks that say "Don't Touch! Will Bite!". The kids that have creepy imaginary friends named Capt. Dinky the happy psychotic, joyful ferret clown. They have stabbed other teachers with the plastic craft scissors and drawn blood. Plus, they have a note from they psychologist that they can't be around animals.

What happens after? Well you become dependent on antipsychotic medication, confused sexual identities, G.E.D. programs, community colleges, dating on "Craig's List", miscarriages, and eventually civil union with a cross gender humanoid who calls his genitals "vanis", "pegina", or a he-clit". Why? It's all because of that pumped up jr. crystal meth called "Pixy Stix".

So what can be done? How do we stop this scourge of  sweet, destructive, sugary goodness? How do we raise awareness? What do we do? Sue the candy corporation, start a Splenda withdrawal and maintenance program? It's hard to say. It's just candy right? Just like pain killers are okay because they're prescribed. So while more needless children's lives are destroyed by behavioral problems from those devil straws, we as a culture shrug it off as nothing more than kids indulging in mischievous treats, and behaving like "kids". What ever happened to good old "Babe Ruths?" or "Snickers". But no, now we have hyper pumped up "Candy ", that because it's made under the name "Wonka" is okay. So, maybe there just isn't that easy of an answer. Just like Reagan's "War On Drugs" which resulted in the sale of weapons to Iran to be given to right wing death squads in El Salvador which General Oliver North was later accused of. And now the Republics are secretly trying to find the "Gold Of Olie North". Just like that elborate conspiracy of Oliver North's Gold, it's complicated. So, again I don't know what can be done. There are no easy answers when it comes to the corruption of naive, fluffy innocence. But one this can be said:

DAMN YOU NESTLY! DAMN YOU WONKA! DAMN YOU! WHY! WHY!
WWWWWWWHHHHHHHYYYYYYYY!

Okay, it's joke time! Yea!

So here it is:

What floats, is black and white and red all over?

You know the answer? What we're gonna say a newspaper? Well, it's not. It's a dead penguin that's been malled to death by a Leopard Seal. Ha Ha! Bet you didn't that one coming.

And now we come to the best part of this whole blog/literary magazine: "What Really Chaffs My Nuts".

In this issue the topic will be people who avoid important conversations by ignoring what you have to say, and changing the subject. What exactly do I mean? Well take this for example, my wife will say something to my mother, and I'll try to discuss it, and what happens? It usually goes something like this:

Lou: Honey, why the hell did you say that to my mother? Huh?

Wife: I'm sorry! I forgot that you didn't want me to say anything.

Lou: Well no shit! Why would I want my mother to know to that I have a fascination for surgical instruments, latex, and four point restrains! What the fuck!

Wife: I'm sorry!

Lou: No, no! Damn it! Now my mom gonna be telling me to make sure I'm safe, and to always us a safety word ...

Wife: Ooooh! I gotta peee! Why do I always do this! Decide to wait to go until we get home to tinkle!

Lou: Honey!

Wife: And your gonna kill me, but I saw this really cute pair of shoes, but they cost about two hundred dollars!

Lou: What the fuck!
(The only sound that can be heard is that of me, Lou, bashing my fucking head against the wall.)

Yes, those are the kind of people that are so desperate not to have to take about an uncomfortable topic that they change the subject, like trying to get a straight answer from a politician. I mean what the hell does which restaurant having the best chinese food have anything to do with why the hell your best friend got drunk and then grabbed your wife's ass? And what makes it even worse is when they bring up the subject, and then when the conversation goes south then they make a wise crack. In all honesty if you bring up the topic of pubic lice, and then the discussion strikes a nerve, do us all a favor and do try to turn it around on those involved. We're not the ones who were trying to extract information about how you know if you got pubic, crotch dwelling insects, exposing we're impulse to fuck anything that has a hole and a heart beat. And by the way use the special shampoo and that special blue comb.

That's what really pisses me off is that inconsiderate bullshit like that. Like I just did. Did that whole clip have anything to do with what we were talking about. No! Was it just a way of me distracting you from the fact that I was completely and totally unprepared for this segment, maybe! Oh look! It's Jessica Alba!

   Doesn't piss you off, the fact that I'm being such a hypocrite right now? I know that's the point I'm trying to make. Awww! Look Puppies and kittens!

   But anyway, I know that when I someone does this kind of thing I just wanna slice the flesh off of their body  and feed it them. Yo! Kool! A dog on a skateboard!

Anyway that's what really chaffs my nuts!


So until next time my friends,

Lou Ford.

Hello my friends, this is Lou Ford. Due to me being on vaction I may not be able to submit a full issue, and so for your approvement I give to you an episode of the "Happy Tree Friends". I'll see you in a week. Enjoy!

Lou Ford.

Ain't  love grand. Don't you wish that this was you, especially you guys. A ball gage in you mouth, a sexy cartoon woman riding you like a horse, and who knows maybe a couple of finger in your ass.  Ya know the realization that you've have a psychotic break from reality because you can't possibly have sex with a cartoon, yet you demand that you significant other be just like said character. You become so obsessed that you by a halloween mask of that cartoon and plead for your lover to wear it during sex, but enough about my life.   Well, anyway welcome to another issue of "Dirty Filthy Snuff". After that embarrassing admission here's something to cause you to forget.

And just in case that didn't cause to forget about my sexual fantasies involving Lois Griffith here's something else. Damn it I brought it up! I'm a fuck dump ass!

I hope that that worked, helping you to forget about the fact that I try to bend over and suck my dick when I think ... shit. here's something else to help you forget.

Damn it! I did it again. Fucking made the situation by presenting the exact thing I fantasize, being tyed up by a sexy, leather clad, mistress who has no real interest in anything except how much time is left on the clock for our session. That disinterest results in her dishing out a large, immense, prodigious amount of pain that others would as being inappropriate. And while it would be viewed as unethical the sting would be so bad that I couldn't help be cream ..." Oh shit did I just write that down? Wow, I really do have issues. So, I'll try this image to distract uyofrom the fact that I just shared way too much information. Like wanting to oil ... no, just look at this pic.

Now there we go, we've all have forgotten everything that has been written before, now go vomit up whatever you haven't already and I'll see you back here in a little while.

Okay, are you done. Wipe off the corner of your mouth, and will get down to it. My name is Lou Ford and welcome once again to another issue of "Dirty Filthy Snuff". I'll really start this issue with two poems written by two friends of mine. The first one is by a woman named Joanie. It's titled "A Seed In Time".

A seed in time grows light divine 

along rivers and trails

rocks and nails 

forms each perfect limb 

imprinted within 

the path to home.

Along the way we stop to play

honoring our karma's

throughout the day.

Watching these seeds grow 

in our gardens of love

lets us remember 

we are held from above. 

Our great spirits Fathers inconceivable 

care penetrates each feather 

of luminous hair

As seed gives birth to seed

as we nurture our human need 

to grow, to shape, to plow, to make 

each child's soul 

know its goal

From father to son

the funs just begun!

A cosmic Father's Day!

 Ridiculous or not it's creative and pretty interesting. The next one coming up is a poem of particular interest for me. It is by Ian. It is titled "Family Man".

I am discontented 

You are disconcerted 

Disaster and destruction,

we've flirted 

Then we fucked.

Now we have kids.

Wasn't that sweet. He really struck a nerve with that. Just fills you full of joy, hope, and renews our faith in love.

Look at the bliss all around us. So much joy, so much vitality, so much bullshit! Sure we maybe happy, but it's not through utopia of companionship alone. No, it;s usually after something like this:

That's what happens. Right? Isn't it that boy meets girl, they like each other, they date, they fuck, they marry, but then it all changes. Then there's; pregnancy, children, mortgages, in-laws that disapprove of you, boring sex, no sex, affairs, emotional castration, spousal abuse, rape, attempted murder, restraining orders, rebellious kids, substance abuse and addiction, and eventually a pathetic death when the prostitute doesn't cut the rope after you climax. The police find your stiff body swinging from shower curtain rod with in silk stocks, lace panties, garter belt  and all. Isn't wonderful to fully understand what in our future? 

Now several messages by those not sponsoring us.

     

Have you wanted memorabilia from your favorite celebrity, but don't have the money for that special one of a kind souvenir? Well we may have the answer. What about the stuff that celebrities could have owned, but didn't? That sound good? If so then our staff at "All Most Famous, But Not Quite Auctioneers" have the items  you need. Take for instance the life vest that Natalie Wood could have worn the day she drowned, but didn't.       

Here's Natalie Wood.

And here are some life vest, life vests she never wore.

How about the plunger used to unclong Elvis' toilet after he died. 

Here is Elvis, we all remember the king.

And here is a plunger.

And now for a limited time we're offering this almost original one in a million, would be a diamond in the ruff if it weren't glass, item. Do you know what that is? Do ya? Huh huh huh?! Guess what, guess what guess what?! ?

It is the Narcan that River Phenix didn't the night he overdosed on the curb outside the "Viper Room". 

This is River Phenix, right bellow:

  

And here is the Narcan:

Oh shit that's fucking Crystal Meth. Damn it where's the photo of the ampt, come on where did I put that picture. Where, where on, where. Wait here it is:

  

Shit, that isn't supposed to be up there, damn it, I'm, gonna get fucking sued or something for vulgar and explised material. Goddamn image of the drug use, that's not very appealing, wait a minute that's the whole point of this publication. It's fucking vulgar, as vulgar as the idea of this whole idea, so if you have an idol who you'd want to have memorabilia of, but your welfare hasn't come in yet, then call us; the "Almost Famous But Not Quite Auctioneers". It's the place where the items have never belonged to a celeb, but they could have been. And anyway when your this broke what difference does it make? 

So for all your maybe possible memorabilia call us at 1-800-fukingworthlessshit or at www.allmostfamousbutnotquitesowhythehellyoubuyingitdumpass.com

Oh shit there's the Narcan pic. Yeahhhhh! Call Now.

Up next on the agenda are more pick up for you to try. Welcome to "Does That Work With Everyone You Say It To?".  Some might make you laugh, some might get you slapped, and some might get arrested, but one thing is for sure by the end of the day if you some of these lines it'll be garrenteed that you'll be going to hell. Or on the sex offenders list. That being said let us proceed.   

1. Can I play with my matchbox cars on your gianormus, colossal tits?

2. Do you own, or rent? When asked "what?" the response is simply "The space on your chest for those mountains you call breasts".

3. Is that your camel toe, or do you just have a peach half in your pants?

4. Is that fish smell because you haven't washed your pussy, or do I make you horny?

5. Do you like strawberries because I got wipe cream in my pants?

6. You wanna do a 68? You go down on me , and I'll owe you one.

7. If I flip a coin what are the chances of me getting head?

8. Do you like sewing cause I wanna weave my DNA with yours?

9. Do you work at a Subway? Because you just gave me a foot long.

10. Do you donuts because I'd love to glaze you?  

  

And now it's joke time, and here is a gem:

A black guy, a white guy, and an asian guy are walking down a country road. All three had just been laid off, and had no place to go. Luckily they had come upon an enormous fruit farm where they grew every kind of fruit imaginable. Desperate, they decided to go as the farmer if he would show them some mercy, and board them form the night. 

Knocking on the door they were greeted by a burly good old boy, and a beautiful, radiant, sexy young woman.

Asking if they could stay the night, the farmer answered, "Ya'll welcome here, but if any ya bump uglys with my daughter then I'm kill you."

Knowing that that beautiful woman was the farmers daughter at first they refrained from engaging in anyway with her despite her flirting. Once the house had gone to bed, all three had succumbed to their desires, and slept with the farmer's daughter. In the morning they were awaken by a shotgun in their faces. Being lead out into the fields, the farmer lined them up.

Looking at them he said "Ya'll dishonoreded my daughter and I should shot you, but I'll give ya'll a chance, if ya pick a fruit and you can shove a 100 pieces of it up your ass I'll let you live."

The White guy was up first and he choose apples. He was up to 30, 31 ... but then he hold anymore, and they all fell out. The Farmer shot him dead. Up next was the black guy. Now the black was clever, and he chose grapes. He was going, getting up to 97, 98, 99 ... but then he burst into laughter causing all the grapes to fall out of his ass. 

The farmer looked at him, and said "I gotta shoot ya, but before I do, what happened? You were so close? Why'd you laugh?" 

The black guy, ever aware of his demise, exclaimed "Cause my man's out there picking water melons!"

HA HA HA! Moving along.

 Up next is the the section entitled "Questions that make you say hhhhhuuuummm?"

Which is more painful: Loosing your virginity to a cactus or going down on Judge Judy to get out of pay restitution? 

Think about it and get back to me.

 


           There we go, a more realistic, dirtier version of Family Circus. Just imagine if one day you opened the paper to the funnies and there was the Father Family Circus fucking his wife. That'd be a new lesion for the day, huh? 

And now it's time for the thing we've all been waiting for, it's time for "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". In this episode I will talking about the bureaucratic bullshit letters that we recieve when a job, or the government rejects us. Now I know that this sounds strange, but at my wife's job they had laid off a large portion of their work force. My wife got lucky and was spared. When she told me that I asked if they really did include a letter, a polite and politically correct letter explaining that they were laying you off. Now I have never seen one, but getting rejection letters from colleges and such, I can only imagine. It would probably be something like this:    

Dear Sir or Madame:

We are writing to inform you that regretfully have to terminate your employment with us due to bla bla bla bla. We are sorry for this inconvenience ( or something more stronger of a meaning ) and wish you luck on your future ventures.

Now granted that that maybe a the best way to say it, but in all honesty when you've been given your walking paper, and escorted out by security, don't you think the least they could do is give you an honest letter letting you know where you stand. For instance:

Dear Sir or Madame: 

We regret to inform your dumb ass that while the higher ups are keeping their jobs, you however, counting as nothing more than overhead are now shit outta luck. In other words you've just been fucked out of a job, and while we may say we're sorry in actuality we're up in the board room laughing our ass off at your soon to be on welfare ass. Now Piss Off. 

Or Maybe this would be better for those multi-million dollar companies:   

Dear Fuckhead:

We are kinda sorry to in form you that well, due to economic problems that is forcing us to down size we have decided that you no longer fit into our financial plan. We have therefore decided to give your job to a hindi who will happily take the low wage we are offering to them rather than rummage through  the landfill that is their fuckin' home for anything recyclable. Plus to be quiet honest with your peasant ass, we CEOs don't want to give up our high brow lifestyle in order to pay you a fair wage.

I know that I personally have to support my family, a mistress, a summer home, a winter home, a yatcha, and a private jet, not to mention all the 20 dollar whores I take to flop houses where I can smoke meth and fuck or at least try to unless I'm flaccid. But what difference does it make. The whores stay until the job is done. And that's what the day labors I pick up outside delis who choke me in the shower while I masturbate every sunday while my wife is at her book club and my kids are at the mall. 

So in short while we're do regret  canning your ass, in reality things will be better without you or your fellow co-works. Here is your last pay check. Have a nice life cock sucker.

See, now wouldn't that be so much more refreshing than all that formality, nice beating around the bush. That's  what we really need, the fuck you letter that they give us. And the same should be done with rejects letters for colleges, just tell us the fuck why.  

And that's what really chaffs my nuts.

So in closing I would like to thank Seth MacFarlane, all those who have contributed, my own idiocy, and well the world for all the humor and irony it contains. On yeah thank you "Family Circus". Everything I write and do is a joke and meant for laughter. Take care until next time, 

Lou Ford             

Praise Jesus for Crystal Meth and Male Whores!

Ah! How the mighty have fallen. Hey there, I'm Lou Ford and welcome to another episode of "Dirty Filthy Snuff". The living apitemy of hypocrisy, Ted Haggard, the subject of this introduction. We all know him, he's the antigay Evangelist minister with a huge following who was stationed in Colorado. If you remember correctly while he was publicly preaching the sin of same sex relations, but privately he was sucking cock and on the glass stem. However , it somehow turned out that despite that he could still redeem himself  in the eyes of the Lord by saying that it was just a flaw, and thats gays and addicts were still damned. The good news  is now he has a cure; his new church, Saint James Church.

 Homosexuality is a sin, but only if your sober, or at least it's more acceptable if your Ted Haggard. When your under the influence of a mind altering substance, then hey your not responsible. I do truly wonder how he justified it to himself, that is if he actually believes in "Jezus" and the "Holy Spirit" and speaking in "Tongues", or laying of hands to cure the incurable. May be the only thing in his category that's worse is Jim Bakker, the 700 Club, the Vatican, "Jersey Shore", Ice Cube ( the rapper ), and sugar free soda; all those things that aren't what they seem. What are they called? Frauds, or phonies. 

But seriously how did that play out; I mean what was sex talk like with an evangelist? Did he do role playing, 

"Let's role play. You be Samson and I'll be Delilah", or "I'll be the Whale and you be Jonah?" How about what did he moan out? "Make me the man-whore of Babylon". Does Ted preach to his paid companions proclaiming "Stick thy staff in thy valley of death!"? I mean what else does he use as slang for "fucking"? Does he call his asshole his "gully hole of sin"? What about his dick? Is that his "satan rode of lusty desire"?

All things that lead to one thing, if he believes that it is an abomination, then doesn't that mean he's damned to the lake of fire too? If I remember correctly unless Jesus sodomized his followers, all Judea-christian religions have a real problem with things like men butt fucking other men. Jesus told us to turn the other cheek, not turn the other ass cheek and then get fucked. 

Before I go any further, I'm sure I'm coming across a bigot, and for that I apologize. I have no right to cast judgement on anyone else, and sexual orientation does not decide whether someone is a good person or not. I am however mocking it in this case because in this case we had an asshole who went as far as to put together programs to make homosexual men straight; by attempting to change something that is probably biological just for his own comfort level and then on his free time going to suck on a glass dick as well as a fleshy one is laughable. Then on top of it trying to start a church that is supposed to welcome all in need of guidance still basically condemns those who are gay, or addicts is a fucking insult. It's just like the fuckin' Bakkers.  

    

Jim Bakker, the wonderful minister who was convicted of accounting fraud among other things, ripping off all the "true" believers of Jesus. I guess Sam Kinison said it best about Jim Bakker in one of his routines, "Jesus is up in heaven flipping through the bible saying 'Where the hell does it say build unto me an amusement park'". 

And who can forget about Tammy Faye Bakker Messner.

I mean talk about being the poster child for senicide or rather euthanasia, as well radical religious fervor can do. Just look into her eyes in all the photos of her, and tell me what you see? Nothing right, just vacancy. There is no substance, I mean the Sahara desert has less vacancy than Tammy's brain.  A lobotomy patient would have more facilities for independent thought. But, I shouldn't speak ill of the dead; Ted Haggard.

So while there could be plenty more to say about the asshole bible thumper I'll just leave it with these two things. The first is this video clip of Stewie from family guy. Let's watch!

       

That was Stewie explaining "why kids might turn gay". Some fuckin' food for thought, huh?

The second and last thing I'll do is let the humorous, reactions of other do the talking. So without further adue, funny images, comic panels, and political cartoons making fun of Ted. Enjoy!

  

With that part out of the way, oh yeah by the way Tammy is dead ( not that I haven't mentioned it before ), I'll go to a new section of "Dirty Filthy Snuff" called "Does that work with everyone you say that to?".  It's a list of new, funny, and all around stupid pick up lines that you can use at your own risk.

1. Is that vagina gonna eat itself?

2.Is that your vagina or a hungry horse?

3. Do you have a diaper cause I just shit myself.

4. Do you like dairy cause I just creamed my pants?

5. Do you have a bladder control problem, or you just happy to see me?

6. If I give you five dollars will you touch me?

7. Could you stick your fingers in my ass?

8. Is that a c-section or just an extension of your vagina?

9.  Hey baby, you want some_________( your name in the blank ) penis?

10. Hey baby, you want some Adam West Penis? ( that is if your name is Adam West ).

11.  I want to feel your clit on my tongue but I'm afraid you'll pass out.

That's our list for this issue. If you actually read this, and you have some funny and/or stupid  pickup lines send  to me.

And now, it's time for me to ask a question, one of those questions that make you go hum?

What's more offensive; a white guy in black face or a black guy in white face? 

And now it's time for the best part of the issue/blog: "What Really Chaffs My Nuts".

Do you know what really chaffs my nuts? What really chaffs my nuts is reality TV. Yeah that television we as an intelligent species watch to see what happens when the "real world" is caught on film. "Survivor", "Blind Date", "Oprah Winfrey", "Hoarders", "The Bachelor", "Intervention", and the "Bacheloret"; all those wonderful Television shows that had scripts written for them, were taped months in advance, but yet were somehow perfect examples of the improvisation that life really is. In actuality fiction is more real than that dreg that some of our most reliable television networks provide. Shit, those cheezy 70's pornos with almost no story lines are more believable than finding love on the bachelor. A bimbo paying the pizza deliervy boy with sex seems more probable than finding sobrity from a show aired on fucking A&E.          

       

Now granted the show is supposedly helping people, but still lets be honest is sending every fucking half conscious, slit your throat for a fix, post kid for narcan addict to a Betty Ford wanna-be clinic in Florida, right on the beach do the trick? I thought that recovery could happen any where, and that in many cases the nitty-gritty form was the best, not the posh, yuppie, I've got a craving so I better get a mud bath and a coffee enema ideal. I didn't know that to get sober you had to take a plane ride half way across the U.S. Hey, ya know maybe they'll come up with do it yourself method, or maybe even better; support groups. Wow, won't that be fucking amazing, but wait they already do have such a thing it's called the 12 steps. You know A.A., N.A., G.A., and all those other support groups that offer those afflicted with help and support. They even have their own manuals. Can you fuckin imagine? And they go by names like "The Big Book Of Alcoholics Anonymous". A&E you fucking suck with your exploiting reality TV show that's pimping out the pain of other for bullshit self serving needs. Fuck you along with all your other shitty reality shows like "Dog The Bounty Hunter", and well the shitty programing in general. You have made me lose my faith in humanity.  

"

And now that we've gone through that let me move on to the "Bachelor" and the "Bachelorette". Who the fuck came up with that idea? Seriously? How does anyone, anyone actually believe that someone made to live in house full of horny, lonely, dysfunctional, and self serving individuals will actually find love. Sure 'those contestants, and they are damn contestants and not guests, are pretty, sexy, and all around cute but really why would they decide to go on what is basically a PG to PG-13 television show in the hopes of finding the perfect relationship that will never fail. Real people fuck shit up, if your looking for someone to just bang, tag along, and be arm and arm then order a mail order bride, or an immigrant despite for their green card. 

"Oh since our last one-on-one date I really think I've fallen in love ..."

That date was their first and only private date if you want to call it that with all the cameras around catching their G rated naughtiness which is about as erotically interesting as watching a nurse feed a geriatric patient, and now there in love. No, their not. I could find a more deeper connection with lobotomized Kirk Douglas than with anyone on those two shows. No one there shares any fuckin' true feelings of love; all that it is is a fucking chance to stay at a "Fat Crib" that is about the closest thing they'll ever get to the Playboy mansion, with free room and board as well as food and drink. Most of them aren't shit. Abandoning, their entry lives for one season on a reality TV show that will ultimately result in making their existence less important than before they auditioned. Once the sham of a marriage fails, and all the hip about who cheated on who and the whole scandal about a love child, they both fade way into nothingness. Well, that is until they resurface for a season of the "Bachelor Pad" and then the truly pathetic behavior emerges. I've ranted long enough, so I'll just close with this, crack head  Bobby Brown has more creditability then anyone on either of those two shows, "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette".  

Thank you for letting me vent, so now I'll entertain you with these clips from the sketch comedy show "The Whitest Kids You Know".

     

   I hope you enjoyed these clips so much that you pissed yourself soaking your pants and whatever furniture your sitting in. That causing you to be scolded by your wife, girlfriend, friend and/or family scarring you for life resulting in you loosing your grip with reality as you seek revenge. The Madness slowing creeping in until you cut out your own heart to try to listen to it because you heard someone say that more people should stop  listening so much with their ears, and more with their hearts. So insane that you eat the flesh of a rabid raccoon  in an attempt at capturing its "warrior" spirit. 

I'd like to close with saying thank you, tune in next time for creative writing from Ian and Joanie along with all the vulgar asshole things contained on this site. 

Yours truly, 

Lou Ford