Do you remember when having a bowel movement was something to be cellebrated? Do you?! Remember when it was adorable to have made poopies? How about when using the potty was a Hallmark moment? Well, do you? The answer: never because we were all babies. It's interesting how producing waste, something that is now a disgusting, yet some how humorous subject, was back then seen as this joyous event in which everyone had to participate in. Even when it was seen as a horrible chore, still because it was done by a baby(us) then was seen it a much lighter light. Yes, at that point our poops were seen as wonderful. Why? Because we didn't know any better! Yeah, that was when drooling was ok too cause we were so adorable, shit, we could have eaten our vomit and a picture of it would have been put in the our baby photo album. AND WHY? Because we're babies! 

You know what's strange? This will sound really disgusting, but sperm is erotic and kinky at least in a pornographic sense, and in that way it seems hypocritical. I mean it's a bodily fluid just like urine, shit, blood and spit. It's bodily fluid, so what makes some fluids more acceptable than others? Seriously, why is it so adorable for a baby to crap their pants, but not a grown adult. I'm not saying that I think it's okay for adults to use their pants as rest rooms, but if shit is just that, shit, then why is a newborn so cutie? I mean newborns are cute but why is their shit okay? Last time I checked a shit packed diaper is not one of the appealing factors in terms of being a mother. It damn sure isn't one when caring about the elderly. But if shit is so disgusting then why are their jokes about diarrhea? If poop stinks then why are fart jokes so hilarious? Why?   

Is that funny? Is it? The fact that Brian is eating Stewie's shit funny? I don't think so, well actually in this context it is. But the point still remains. How about this?

   OR THIS?

What about Brian? Check this out:

Yeah, poop ain't so cute when it's on a dog or an adult man. Observe:

But what am I trying to say? What is the point of this intro? Well that humor is only funny in certain context, which sucks? The fact that when I have a magnificent bowel movement, and I want to so it to my wife, it's disgusting, but farting a green cloud and then dutch ovening my wife is okay. What about the whoopie cushion? 

What the fuck is it about bodily functions that makes they so taboo, yet so hilarious? 

 

Was all of that funny? Was watching a dumb ass animated cartoon about a guy's girlfriend flooding the bathroom with her shit really that funny? How about a kid reading a magazine with a can of air fresher while he blows up the bathroom? Is pushing out the stinky smelly nasty black to brown to green waste material that is produced out of your bacteria producing asses that corrals round and round the toilet  and if you've had your fiber that day it might even perch it's head up and kiss you on the ass actually humorous. Isn't that funny; really that funny? Is it????????

Well actually it is? What am I talking about? Poop, diarrhea, and farts are hilarious and I think that they should have more humor about those bodily functions. I mean what's there to loose? A sitcom? A career? Who gives a fuck-it's funny. Now how about more jokes about vagina farts?

  

  See now wasn't that funny? Didn't you laugh? I know I did. And if you didn't well fuck you! Although it was kinda lame, but I tried. Still I'm humiliated; my mother was right I'm a stupid, dirty boy. What's that mother? But she's nice mother. No Mother No!

This is a sketch by a talented friend of mine whose name is King. You like? It is a beautiful piece. Moving on.

Here is a dirty joke that might make this a tad bit more entertaining.

One evening a mother and father were fucking in their bedroom when their son walked in on them. Terrified, horrified and confused, the young boy ran off. 

"He saw us making love, what do we do?" the boys mother exclaimed. 

"I'll take care of it" the father answered.

Leaving the bedroom to find his son, the father discovers the boy in the grandmothers bedroom. Looking inside, the father saw his son laying on top of the grandmother viciously going at it. 

The father shouted "what the hell are you doing!"

The boy  glared at his father exclaiming "It's not so great when it's your mother is it?!"

HHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Funny shit isn't it. I mean like Sam Kenison, or Andrew Dice Clay funny. By the way what ever happened to the "Dice man"? He was big for awhile, and then almost like those child actor from all those 80's sitcoms he fell off the face of the earth? What's he doing now? Is he exchanging sexual favors for Sudafed. Is he now the leader of some secret band of ninja assassins? Was that his back up plain? How much you wanna bet that one day we're going to stumble on to him in a german dungeon porn trying to say all his fames punch lines in german while he's getting nailed by a tranny dress as an S.S. officer. Think about it and get back to me.

Here is another piece of art work done by a friend of mine, Andrew. I though since the past several issues I have focused so much on family guy I thought that I might diversify a little. And diversify a little more.

Is it just me or is the Dole banana sticker phallic shaped? How penis like do they have to make it. a banana is alright phallic, but now they got to put a sticker on it that has a shaft and then a head. Why not just fill it with cream so when you squeeze it or bit into it you get that delicious filling. Have I over analyzed it too much?

Here's some a little more sophisticated. A cartoon from the "New Yorker" magazine. Do feel less dirty now?

I didn't think so.

Now we'll move on to the part that we all love the most, and that is "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". So for this issue "What Really Chaffs My Nuts" are all those goddamn Christmas music produced by all those pop artist that are nothing more than fucking remakes the same classical carols about Christmas cheer. I mean this is how it usually goes; once Halloween is over, stores like SEARS, and JC PENNY immediately breakout the fake mistletoe, the inflatable santas', and the arisol cans of fake snow. They pop in one of those million and some odd Maira Carrie self absorbed album of the billionth rendition of "Silent" Fuckin' "Night", or "Jingle Bells". The title of the album: "Have a hollie fucking nervous break down, become nuttier than a shit house rat Christmas". Or how about another Harry Connick Jr. white man jazz pop album filled with so much sunshine happiness that after the third bar you just want to slit your wrists. And that's only the beginning.

Christmas is the only fucking holiday I know of that we in the west begin to prepare for like six months in advance. Christmas in July? What the hell? A holiday that while celebrating the birthday of a man that literally lasts half the damn year. I'm not saying that Jesus wasn't a great man because he truly was, but still he was a man. However, that wouldn't bother me expect for one reason, the holiday that was supposed to have so much meaning behind it, has now become nothing   more that an excuse to capitalize on humanitie's emotions as a whole. What is the result? Insanely vicious materialistic parents who end up causing a riot on Black Friday in "Toys R' Us" trampling each other to death in the process.

     

And another fucking thing, in our society being thin and pretty is of the utmost importance, but Christmas time comes and we all support the idea of an obese old hairy-ass man in a red suit trying to squeeze his orca sized body down a fucking chimney with a huge sack of presents that were supposed to contain all the dream gifts of all the children in the world. First off how the hell does one man possibly achieve such a thing?

    

I mean what more needs to be said? Well a lot more. A special day that celebrated the birthday of a man who began a new religion, and instead we got Bing Crosby, Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the red nose rain deer, Kathy Lee Gifford Christmas specials, Conway Twitty, old reruns of Ozark Jambilee, claymation, Christmas caroling, the old classic film "A Christmas Carol", and those disgusting fruit cakes. But what's probably the worst are those fucking decorations, like those string of lights. First you gotta hang the string which can already be a fucking problem when decorating the tree, but on the outside you might as well just not even bother hanging them and just use them to hang yourself with them. Why, because when one fucking light goes out they all go out, so you might as well just hang yourself. That would sure as hell be one really great way to to decorate your home. What a nice way to welcome your in-laws. The only thing that would better express your feels would be a head on a pike. 

     

Like that? Of course you don't. Shit, I wanna floss with razor wire when ever I hear her voice, and I kinda like her. But for all those unsure, I'll play this for you:

      

You still feel in the spirit of the season? Of course you don't. After that your whole perspective of the world has changed, from a place where people are generally good to a world where evil rules supreme. What else could explain why the hell someone would actually let that horrific piece of imagery and sound see the light of day? Huh? Well that doesn't really matter, your disillusioned now and there no point in living; just kill yourself now. It's best for everyone. Celebrating Christmas as a two month long holiday is terrifying. 

  

When you start seeing these type of commercials before Thanksgiving, it's then that you know that this holiday truly has no more meaning past just selling as much shit to people as possible. So, think about that next time you sit down with your family for thanks giving and you see a goddamn fucking christmas commercial for some new bullshit falla-lal-la music album, think about the fact that this is the beginning of the end. Maybe not the world, but definitely of sincereity or genuine belief of anything sacred. I mean let's be honest Hanukah is a fucking back to school holiday, but we as a society haven't sold out on it's true purpose. The same can be said about most other non-christian holidays. The holidays that we as westerns celebrate have become so diluted that sewer water is purer than that shit. But hey, what do I know, after all I'm a child of this bullshit season to be jolly, and a huge fan of family guy. Either way, next time "Merry Christmas Chatlie Brown" is shown Thanksgiving evening just take the electric turkey carver and start working on your neck. It may hurt, at first but in the end it will feel better. 

Until next time,

Lou Ford

Hello, and welcome to another issue of "Dirty Filthy Snuff". As I mentioned I am celebrating Seth Macfarlane's birthday! As you know he is the man who created such wonderful shows as "Family Guy, American Dad, and Thr Cleveland Show". Yes, he is the man who is my hero, the wind beneath my wings.
Yes, his delicious depiction of a lower middle class Irish family has wrung so truth for me that for the first two seasons of the show I had to go to extensive therapy to expel all the demons.

The beauty of the dysfunction that soaked the plot made my penis harden quicker ... oh shit! Sorry! But in all honesty how could the preciseness of the depiction of americana not be intriguing. Peter going away on a women's sensitivity retreat due to his sexist behavior at work, and coming back almost a women was so hilarious that when I was eating diner, and I fell off of the couch and accidentally gave myself a vasectomy with my fork.

These events like the clip above are examples of times when new nations are born, and the heavens open up to reveal the joyous purposes of life, but well with power of the media, and the oil companies, and global warming that chance has been taken away.

And this is the tragic ending, right above us. Make sense? It doesn't to me either, but it's sure as hell funny.


That is what Seth MacFarlane really does, he makes us feel; he makes us human again. Oh god I love him, and while once again I could put down it so many words, but I think I'll leave it up to these next clips.

Yes, Seth Macfarlane is the man who gives meaning to word "humanity".

Don't ask me why I choose that clip, but it is one of the best scenes from family guy. I mean the idea of really being able to kick the shit out of those coupon passing out mascots is an honest look into the truth about what we would all like to do to those fur wearing snooty pricks. Why I remember that one of those guys in a fucking giant chicken suites was trying to give me a coupon to a dry cleaners. I said no, he told me not to be a dick. I told him that I didn't want his capitalist bullshit marketing ploy. He then proceeded to try to shove a coupon down my throat. What happened next was that I apparently tried to knawl through his breastplate, and he tried to peck out my eyes with the costumes beak. The police came, and next thing I know we were spasming from a taser, and choking on our nuts. Isn't it wonderful what a positive example prime time television presents? But, seriously, moving on.

   See, how could you not love a guy like that. I mean he's funny, I mean like offensive law suit funny, but still funny. And how can you not love his cute adorable face. He's got chubby cheeks yes he does!

Happy Birthday Seth. Until next time, Take it away Seth!

Sincerely,

Lou Ford

Hello everybody. This is Lou Ford, and welcome to another issue of "Dirty Filthy Snuff". Yesterday was a very special day. It was SETH MACFARLANE'S Birthday. Yes, the demigod that is the talent encases in the flesh and blood that is Seth who was born on the 26th!

IT'S SETH!

Yes he is the man who was the only one hired my Hannah Barbara just for his writing ability. He is the man who can up with the only show that somehow makes a flaming gay one year old an acceptable subplot in a prime time show. How about making pedophile funny too. Observe:

 

Isn't that terrific!

I mean who can make Jesus an egotistical fame junkie, but yet have him still come across holy and angelic. Who can? Seth can. 

Seth is so wonderful, that he is on my mind every second of the day. I want to be like him, be inside of .... woooh. That was a little to revealing and creepy. But, I can't help it. He is the epitome of what humanity should be. Hearing the voice he does just brightens my day, and I end up taking my three finger and ...awww! Here I go again. I really do have work on that and develop a filter. Anyway there is so much more that I could say about Seth, but I'll just leave it up to these clips. Tadah!

There is so much more that this wonderful, iconic humanoid has given to us. So much it boggles the mind and sends a tingly sensation through all your extremities when your mind realized that, and that tingling can in turn give you a woody. For the next several days we will be celebrating the birth of one of the most important men born in our lifetime. The heterosexual who loves Broadway musicals, can do sixty thousand voices, and create a dumb ass like Peter Griffin who is offensive as hell, stupid, irresponsible, alcoholic, and at times abuse and yet still have him touch our very souls. Thank you!

Until next time,

Lou Ford

Hi, and welcome to another installment of "Dirty Filthy Snuff". I hope that you enjoyed the last installment. And to begin this one I will talk about one very important aspect of society, and that is "male bonding. Male bonding is one of those phenomenons that seems to me to be a very unnecessary thing. While spending time with your male friends is great, I think that there does seem to be a boundary that always is crossed when a group of men all pal around in a pack. The end results usually turn out in two ways, some really corny trip down to some shady, hole in the wall titty bar where every god damn stripper has a c section scar, and for 20 dollars you can cum on it. It's either that or some drunken night out where some of you cheat on each others girlfriends or wives; end up raping some bar "skank" catching some STD, and to top it off one of you kills a stripper by shoving dollar bills down her throat.

And what about hunting? Isn't that a good bonding activity?

See, I don't know, but a bunch of macho, drunk dudes carrying loaded fire arms doesn't necessarily seem like a good idea. In an activity where it's all about who got the biggest gun, or who can bag the biggest buck, you mix in inexperienced young men and you usually get an unfortunately incident that usually results in the group having that many more skeletons in all of their closets. Somebody gets shot, or while drunk one of group has a homosexual or a beastiality incident. So while hunting is fine and pleasurable sport. It's not always the best activity for a bunch of young, dumb and full of cum jack asses to do.

And there is another kind of male bonding, father-son. A great thing depending on the family.fucking dynamic So it's okay if your the Brady Bunch, but a "normal" dysfunctional family, well, then it's not so good. Observe:     



Now is that truly the kind of male father-son bonding we want to see. Yeah ever wonder why John Bobbit got his cock amputated? Well, this is a pretty good incite into why. Now I know that this seems a little extreme, and your right. That is because it's supposed to be funny. However, in all honesty what the hell is up with all the bullshit superficial dick measuring contests men have to participate in in order to feel close? I get the sex, and the fun that accompanies strippers (and alike) can be great for all parties involved, but why the most degrading possible activity for all involved? Seriously, activities that will result in someone becoming a father comparable to Bing  Crosby.

Yeah, an alcoholic, choir boy actor pot head who was an abusive father. Yup do you really want that? I mean just look at him, isn't he an ugly bastard. The only thing worse than that would if it resulted into this:

Yeah, we all remember this dick. Or this could be the result:

Yes, our friend, the funny man Eddie Murphy. You remember that arrest for soliciting a transsexual prostitute. This could also happen:

Something innocent all of sudden turns into an escalated incident of aggression and violence. So, I guess the point is that while male bonding is important, the only question I have is how many times do we seriously have to watch our drunken buddy try to get it up for a stripper, or take our crippled friend to a titty bar as a joke because we know that he can't use his penis. How many strippers have to die to careless dollar bill placement. And how many have to drown to due one of the fellas standing up in the boat while fishing? How many deaths due to stupid dares, or the father-in-law of the future groom having a heart attack for the excitement of lap dance? So lets think about that while we view this clip from family guy: 

Yeah, we don't want that to happen, now do we. Thanks for reading. Moving along.

Are You Lonely? Do you have trouble with commitment, or haven;t been laid in a while? Are you thoroughly disguised with dating websites, or speed dating? Well, my good friends look no further. From the people that gave you the fuck-you-a-gram, comes the new product that will forever change the idea of companionship all together. prepare yourself for "Pussy in Your Pants". 

  With pussy in your pants everything is catered to you. Does the carpet match the drapes? That doesn't matter because it's all carpet. That pussy is in your pants. And there's no need for buying dinner, the pussy is already in your pants. 

 

Worried about you performance, well nothing not to worry, these pussy only purr when their happy.

Have you had to deal with the passive aggressiveness of a significant other. The viciousness of a silent fuck you from a bitchy glare and being ignored blandly for a simple mistake like missing your anniversary by one day, or accidental throwing one of her under wire bra in the dryer, but if she erases a television show you recorded on the DVR, and your anger isn't justified. Or how about feminising everything in your home leaving lace doilies and flower partners everywhere; you can't be mad though right? I mean, that's what a relationship is, we guys are supposed to know when and why our girlfriends or wives are angry,along with being able to read their minds at every single second of the day even when we're not with them right? RIGHT? RIGHT?

Well, you don't have to worry about that here because our pussy are very forthright. Observe:

  

Was that clear enough for ya! Yes when our pussies express their feeling to you, they do it loud and clear. They're sweet, adorable, furry, sexy maybe. Possibly a little psychotic sure. But lovable, well that's undeniable. The best part is that they won't ever leave you cause they're in your pants. No matter where you go, they'll always be there for you.

Why, well cause unlike that stray pussy you picked up at the local dive that ends up giving you the clap, our pussy are like I said before in you fucking pants. And you can take them anywhere. 

To School:

To Work:

Family reunions

Hell why bother going any where! In fact don't even bother leaving your house!

And why? How many times to I have to repeat the answer. The Pussy is in your pants!

So if you lonely, lazy, disfigured hideously, too busy, or maybe just too much of a douchbag, then call us at 1-800-cuddlycunts. Yes I said cuddly cunts, that right I used the "c" word; I said cuddly. Deal with fellas!

Pussy In Your Pants! Think of the fun!

If you want hours of erotic furry fun then call 1-900-MEOWGASIM to talk to our pussies live.

And coming soon for all the ladies out there: Cobra in your cooch.

I think that's enough foreplay for now, so we will proceed to thing that my five readers have been waiting for. "What Really Chaffs My Nuts"! Today we're gonna talk about funerals and wakes.

What Really Chaffs My Nuts are wakes and Funerals!

A death of any kind is a horrible tragic occurrence, and because of it's impact on those associated with the loss, there is a need for such rituals as funerals and wakes to help and support those in pain. It also could be viewed as a healthy way to grieve. And while that's all fine and dandy, what I don't get is food, drink, and the semi-party atmosphere all of these events or rather the ones that follow. Right? Is that shit weird or what? I don't get it.

I mean you go to the service where everybody is all weepy eyed "Oh my god he was so young", or "It's such as shame boohhhoo! Whaaaa!" As the only real person who gave a fuck about the deceased individual gives the eulogy everybody else just sits all politely, some shedding tears, but others apparently just itching to get the fuck out of the church, and knawl on the free food at the gathering after.

Now I get that I'm being a little insensitive, but after attending several funerals and wakes it has come to my attention as to how phony, and disrespectful these events can be. And I mean on both the family side and the friends. I'll go into the family side first.      

I mean it always amounts to some asinine display of love, well like this cutaway from "Family Guy", although still very sincere. But in realty let's be honest even the closest families still come to look at the entire thing as exhausting, and bullshitty. Take for example this:

What fuck is that. Ok, now I get that Uncle Knickknack liked his recliner, football and his "Steelers"
blanket, but does the rest of the family really need to see that corpse sitting out on the alter of the damn church? I understand that you wanna give him one hell of a send off, but haven't you already done enough by posing his body that way. What else you gonna give the corpse? A cigar, a bowel of chips and some fuckin onion dip? Why not hire a stripper to ride his rigor mortis cock before they put him in the ground. Why is it that death hits some of us so hard, but others not so much? I guess we could look at it this way, in terms of family it's very true that we may love our family, but it damn sure doesn't mean that you gotta like em'. How many of you have gone to the funeral for some uncle or second cousin that you didn't know or didn't like? How many of you out there, raise you hands. Okay so I can't see your hands, but I'm sure you have. And what usually happens at the services? You get bored, you giggle at your freakish aunts, and other family members, all the while your knees bouncing up and down faster than high school virgin's premature ejaculation. The only thing you can think about is the gather afterwords, and the fact that your "hot" cousin who is only related to you through adoption might let down her guard and you could score.

So you sit there you try to show your sympathy at your relatives house eating the Baked Ziti , the shrimp cocktail that they somehow thought was appropriate for the occasion. All the while everybody is drinking the free beer and wine, debating about whose child is cuter, smarted, or more talented. The older males of the family are outside with cigars in their hands joking and laughing, bullshit about things at work or last nights game. It's all basically a caring, compassionate, action that supports the grieving. And about the grieving, while all the bullshit is going on the grieving are left on the couch alone to try to make sense of everything, and then when everyone leaves once they've finished feeding on the free food, to true despair.
              

Woow! Could you imagine the a funeral like that? I mean that's just like the apartments they rent.
But anyway, so now we'll start with the friends. As great as friends maybe, just think about it; unless it's someone their really close to, they'll be there to show support, but they still have their own lives. Look at it like this, it's kinda like veteran's day. We're really appreciative of what our nations soldiers have done for our country, but unless we got one in the family we're more interested in what's our friend is gonna be cooking at his BBQ. That's how it is, right, and be honest to yourself. As much as you may have wanted to be supportive, but if your not feeling it, than what is there to do but eat the free food, get your buzz on, and try to play on one of the hot, but emotional distraught ladies you see in there (if your a guy). It's the only respectable thing to do.

Now before you condemn me, understand that this is just a joke. Anyway so I guess that sums up "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". Take care until next time. I'll leave you with this.    

Until next time,

Lou Ford

Hello, this is Lou Ford, and welcome to another issue of "Dirty Filthy Snuff". I would like to apologize for not putting out something sooner. I have been working hard on giving you (the few fucking readers I have) plus I got school, and a new job. So, while you wait a few more days for the wondrously original writing stylings of me, I give you "The Happy Tree Friends".

Enjoy!

You remember the "Hallmark" greeting cards? Of course you do; they're the standard expected note of love, kindness, and all around remembrance of any special occasion. Those are the card that are so beautifully written, and manipulative that if the murderer of your family were to send you one from death row you'd actually consider champion for his sentence to communed to life as unopposed  to the death penalty. Yeah, that's how good the writers for the Hallmark Company are. I mean they just make you feel like your the most specialist person alive. At that moment all the planets aline, the heavens have opened and all the beautiful angels have ascended just to tell you that your loved by the almighty. Yes, that's what happens up until you look at the coffee table and see that your wife, husband, sibling, whoever it is has the same "Hallmark" cards. It's at that moment that your innocence is lost no matter what age. You could be 6 or 40. That supposed uniqueness which you were supposed to posses is nothing more that just a folded piece of special paper that has those wonderful words printed on them which are really mocking. But you can't be angry at them because it's:

           

It's Hallmark after all. It's our fault if we can't measure up to their, the companies, standards. And now as if that may not be enough, the owners of Crown Media Holds, which is majority own by Hallmark Cards, now has decided to saturate of consciousness with campy, morally upright, burping rainbows and farting butterflies family programing. Where is this programming coming from? A channel named after it's prediseor, The "Hallmark Channel". That channel gives us the type of programing produced by Chuck Norris and his brother. Not the "Missing In Action" or "Good Guys Wear Black" kool kind, but the "Walker Texas Ranger" production which by the way was a major main stay on none other than the the Hallmark channel.

Now the reason I bring this up is because I had forgotten exactly how disgustingly wholesome that network truly was.

 It's as wholesome as the Price is right, Drew Carey, and this laughter. Doesn't it just fill you with joy, all these
iconic symbols of Americana. Really, just listen to it again. Come on you know you want to. Come on!
Ha!
You can't because just like the annoying sound of this excited father of a lower middle class Irish catholic family, the fucking Hallmark Channel produces these things that if used as psychological warfare, would cause the enemy to commit suicide. Don't believe me, well just watch this.

Yeah, you listen to that? Tell me that didn't make you want to try to give yourself a broken glass enema to distract yourself from the pain? Were you able to even finish watching the opening credits? If you were than your a better man than me. In my option that channel sucks with it's overtly family orientated, politically correct programing like "Touched By An Angel" which by the way sounds more like a biograpgy of sexual abuse in the Catholic church. It's god damned despicable how campy that channel is. I mean it's one step above "Lifetime". The super feminist channel that exists for one reason, to remind all women that anything with a penis will hurt you in anyway possible before cutting off a locket of hair to keep as a trophy. The "700 Club" has more appeal than the programing that those channels provide. And the one thing I keep asking myself is how the hell does that channel stay afloat. I thought that it all had to do with ratings, but I guess like Kevin Cosner, it's is fate is to stay on the air providing suicide inducing television that somehow make watching the deaf kid from Barney tolerable.

So, what else can I say but you take the good, the bad, and there you have my damn introduction.

I would like to also address something that I'm sure the sparse readers of my blog have noticed, and that is the major influence "Family Guy" has had on me. I quota many of the various character's dialog, and while I do include alot of my own original material, it is true that "Family Guy" has directed much of my creativity. I don't know if that last statement made any sense, but I guess that it is true.

Still Seth Macfarline how could you not love something like this:

 

I mean come on. Or how about this:

Serious how can you not love this? I mean wouldn't it be great if there was a barber shop quartet to break all the bad news we get. All the cutaway gags that poke fun at Americana. I mean making fun of William Defoe by having him be the monster under Stewie's crib was absolutely brilliant. Fuckin' brilliant! Or how about an alcoholic talking dog named Brian, or a cutaway gag of Fat Albert with diabetes and an amputated leg, who  decides to still eat more chocolate. Or how about the Kool Aid guy being murdered by Stewie's evil clone? 

 

Come on, what other show can tastefully do an episode about an evil baby genius who realizes he's a masochist, and tries to get his mother to spank him so he can get off! Come on! Come on! Who else but Quagmire?

But seriously who else can use raunchy, dirty material poking fun at our nations culture, and yet still pass off as somehow being family orientated? There is "South Park", I can't exclude the genius behind that cartoon either; yet there is something about "Family Guy" that is warm, and comforting.

Now as wrong as that maybe still doesn't it in this bizarre way make you feel safe. Safe to know that those icons of pop culture who have seemed to have disappeared are still being remembered for what greatness if any they had. Seeing this makes me want the most slendiferous pudding pop I've ever seen. Ummmmm! Oh yeah, do "Fat Albert's" voice Mr. Cosby! OOOOOOHHHHHHHH YYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH! It FEELS GOOD!

Does this ever get old? The answer is no! Just look at the W's face, is this not the most honest depiction of his administration?    


Next up on our list of things is this explanation as to why, despite his bullshit strong Christan undertones that just seem to glow out from him, Chuck Norris is the toughest man in the world.

1. It is said that underneath Chuck Norris' beard there is not a chin, but another fist.

2. Chuck Norris commits armed robbery with other people's arms.

3. When Chuck Norris claps with one hand, the sound is deafening.

4. The Mona Lisa didn't smile before Chuck Norris spent a night at the Louvre.

5. Chuck Norris knows we put a man on the moon because Chuck Norris was who threw him up there.

And now it's time for "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". In this issue I'm going to rant about why it's okay for a woman to call her lover "daddy", but if a dude says "mommy" to his lover it means he's a freak.

Now we've all heard that expression "Whose your daddy?". It's humorous, and in some cases even sexually arousing. It sounds cool, and is symbol of masculinity. Basically, it's a complement if a intimate partner of a man calls him "daddy". It's a sign of her attraction and his strenght. That's all fine and dandy (regardless of the fact that it's somewhat incestial), but why is it inappropriate for a man to call his sexual partner "mommy"? What the fuck is up with that. Seriously, I get the whole "Oedipus complex" thing, and how creepy that is, but is it repulsive for the female sexual partner of a man to referred to as his mother, but somehow it's sexy for a woman to hold a man in the role as her father, but a woman who is in  the exact same sexual role and she is referred to as "mommy" and it's the fucking end of the world. Did the dude as you to make him wear diapers and sleep in a crip ladies? Do we have to Hispanic for it to be okay (that's a joke by the way). 

And here's another thing that we've all heard "daddy's little girl". See what I don't get is that in a society where so many are pressing for equal rights this is a double standard that still stays? What's the difference between "daddy's lit' girl" and "a boy's best friend is his is his mother".  Which is more sexual arousing and acceptable, for me as a man to referr to my wife as a dirty filthy slut? Should I call her a whore, and in our role playing possibly leave a fifty dollar bill on the dresser? Is smacking her around an alright solution? I mean would that be less of a turn off then the word "mommy". And if being called daddy by my lover is okay, then is it cool for me to dress up like the father in "Leave It To Beaver" and when I'm called "daddy" say Golloy gee a blow job sure sounds nice about now Sally" Or even better, I got it, can I dress up like her father, dye my hair, and adopt his mannerism? Do I get to ground her? Send her to her room? 

  

Is that more acceptable than the "m" word? 

 

Is calling you a total bitch better than calling you the "m" word in the heat of the moment?

And what the fuck is so sexy about be referred to as someone your fucking "father"? I had no idea that father hood was so arousing. I mean, I don't remember too many guys going for the single mom deal, not that there's any thing wrong with becoming involved with a single mother, regardless parenthood has never been a quality that singles have been seeking out. On the dating game most contestants aren't consciously asking for the one bachelor who reminds them the most of their father. If they get intimate then will that remind them of dad? Is that what being inside them will mean?

So that was okay compared to the whole mommy scenario? Wait a minute, my wife just called me her "daddy". Hold on here she's continuing to talk to me, and somethings going on here. What is it? Whoa! Either my pants are getting tighter, or I'm getting an erection. Damn it! I wasn't supposed to type that. And yet I still do, all while she keeps talking to me. Seriously, she keeps talking, now I've got half a pack of mentos in my pants. Shit, I'm getting off point but the point is that incest insinuating dirty talk should go both ways, so that way I don't feel about the last  family reunion, and the drunken game of spin the bottle we played.. Okay suddenly, my penis shriveled up so much that now it's official, I'm a woman. Just remembering that and I feel like I'm one of the cast members of the "Jersey Shore". That's the reason why god made drugs and alcohol. Wait she just asked me to spank her! But while wearing the same the style hat as her father. Wow, I really feel dirty. So, ain't way I guess my point got lost somewhere in my hillbilly incest style lust that really just made me vomit a little in my mouth. God that tasted good.

Until next time, I'm Lou Ford. Take care.