Hello, and welcome once again. Yes, welcome to "Dirty Filthy Snuff". Whether any of my readers know it or not I've gotten some flank for the title of my blog, so against my better judgement I am currently working on creating a new title. If any of you have any suggestions I would love to hear for you until then, enjoy a bed time story read to us by none other than Samuel L. Jackson. So, while I work on a new title, enjoy. .

Sincerely,

Lou Ford

Hi everybody, and welcome to another issue of “Dirty Filthy Snuff”. I had been told that I reference, or rather have been referencing the cartoon show “Family Guy”. And I’ve come to the realization that it’s true, so I will pledge to you now “no more Family Guy references”. Family Guy in this context is dead to me.

Family Guy in this context is dead to me. Just like Hustler Magazine is to Stewie.

Now that I’ve gotten finished with that, I’ll move on.

 So, I’ll begin with this intro: family photos that are used as holiday cards. I’m sure you have received those abominable things from some relative or campy friend who is so proud of their family that they just have the uncontrollable urge to share that self center joy to. So, you open up the envelope and  pull out this photo shopped image with all the members kissing  up to the camera, all smiles, and what’s even more heinous is that they’re all wearing the same hats, sweaters, with the same bullshit background, and all wearing the exact same phony smiles.  Observe:
 
Fucking reindeer complete with rosy cheeks? I understand that it’s always fun to do silly things like this above, but really? What do think is the back story to this one? I got an idea. That guy's smiling face hides the fact that he's probably sleeping with his secretary, his wife's sister, or even one of their children. Maybe he enjoys young male prostitutes he meets on the subway on his way home from "working late" who he takes turns pleasuring in a urine scented bathroom where a homeless paranoid schizo has set up as his secret agent safe house in the stale next door. The stale that has shit stained all over it because the "spy" says that shit stops the radio transmissions. Now the wife is another story.

Miss Rosy cheeks and happy antlers there is actually a closet crackhead, who enjoys hard, violent rough sex, and golden showers. Clearing out her husbands wallet is fun. She neglecting their children is routine(if they have any), and having a drink at dinner usually means starting at noon. See how misleading pictures can be? Try this one: 

         What the fuck is that. I get the humor, but what the fuck. Something tells me that maybe this one was made by a sexually frustrated, very opinionated but not voting at this time indivisual. The fact that our president is Jaba the Hut is pretty bad. Why not just have Dick Chaney in black face. But this isn't a family photo.  



Wonder what's going on in this picture? Well, the father has a good job, a good family life, and a dungeon underneath the house were he rapes, tortures, and mutilates young women and gay men. He occasionally poops blood due to his wife's overt prostate stimulation. He made a great first impression at parent teacher conferences where ten minutes before he had been in the boys locker room sniffing jock straps. Now what about the children? What future would these youths have? Oh, the youngest giving up a chance for a spot at Julliard for a rough trick named Jim? Will his innocent belief in Santa be crushed by walking in on his father dressed like Santa having rough sex that involves mommie' rear? What about the older boy? Will he develop a disturbing infatuation of his mother and end up dating women that eerily resemble her? Will he become a cross dresser, or maybe start having sex with transsexual prostitutes? The possibilities are endless? So next time you get a family photo Christmas card just think of who could truly be behind it? A monster? a Jr. Jeffery Dalmer in the making? A closet case homosexual with self -destructive tendencies? An adulterous? who knows so from all of us:

Seasons Fucking Greetings!   

Now it's time for "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". What really chaffs my nuts are snow globes.

 Yes, those round glass spheres filled with water that contains white particles that represent snow and some kind of festive scene, or land mark. I mean I understand the craftsmanship needed to construct a snow globe, but in all sincerity the last thing I really want besides, for example, a shot glass for a fucking city bought at some cheesy Sauveur shop at the airport, is some deceiving winter wonderland that I create when shaking a globe of glass that ends in a damn minute when the "snow" settles to the bottom. The falseness that makes my childhood dream of meeting  "Frosty The Snowman" seem real until the music box stops playing, and it's time to shake the fucking globe again. And the damn corniness of it, just makes me want to beat the glass blower in the head with the globe until he actually believes he's in it. Or even worse, the fact that they have become so cliche' that now their being mass produced by sweat shop workers in Chinatown who are taking a brake from pushing out all of Martha Stewart's products. Those ones are made of cheap plastic; so cheap that you gotta be careful where you put it or the heat from the living room lamp will melt it. And once it leaks it nearly kills you because it's not fuckin' water but instead ether or wood alcohol, or some water from some polluted river like the Hudson. You touch it and you begin to hallucinate, learn the meaning of life after meeting god. I guess that would probably happen if you drank the water from the small world ride, and by the way what the hell is up with that fucking ride?

It's old as dirt, what fun is it? And have you ever noticed that there aren't any Jews singing? 

See, they got everything; every race, and ethnicity, but no singing Isralis.

Anyway that's what snow globes are, their like those bottles of water that have blue oil in them that are supposed to resembled the ocean, the ones that have the plastic little suffer in it. When you move the the bottle the oil moves like what is supposed a wave, and some how the little suffer is going to ride the wave. What happens is the little surfer flips upside down never actually touching the fucking oil. One thing, and that is that it can be said it's a hell of a fucking way to pass the motherfucking time. It hypnotizes you into this state similar to the P.O.W.'s in the "Manchurian Candidate. In fact if it weren't for the little plastic fucking surfer, you couldn't be coresered into doing anything. With the plastic man bouncing around hypnotically, it's like a swinging pocket watch. The thing that really sucks is the ones that are made out of those clear plastic draw string bags that by the time you get home has leaked so that the inside of your luggage looks like an Alaskan oil spill. And why the hell do we need to buy souviors? Why would I want a fucking plastic snow globe of the Eiffel Tower(a gigantic french erector set) that the particles are made to look like birds when shaken? What the fuck is the point of the fucking Eiffel Tower?

 Is there any other purpose than to just look like an avant-garde mistake? Did they run outta fucking building materials? Is that why they hang lights on it, to give it some substance? Anyway, as pretty as a snow globe maybe a wonderful winter wonderland, it's just that a winter wonderland suspended in time, so when you shake it up you become memorized by the beauty, and the wonderment of the season represented by the floating snow suspended in time for a brief moment. And then all the snow settles to the bottom, then the face of that ugly lapdog you never wanted, but your girlfriend demanded you get, looks at you through the snow globe magnifying it's face, scaring the shit out of you causing you to drop the decoration and it shaters. And while your happy the lie is dead, you still die a little more inside.

Happy Holidays!

Until next time,

Lou Ford

Hello and welcome to another installment of "Dirty Filthy Snuff". Due to work, and school I am currently working on a real installment, but until then I present to you "The Happy Tree Friends"

And just in case that didn't do it for you, I'll turn you over to the comic musical stylings of Stephen Lynch. Enjoy!

Until next time,

Lou Ford

Do you remember when having a bowel movement was something to be cellebrated? Do you?! Remember when it was adorable to have made poopies? How about when using the potty was a Hallmark moment? Well, do you? The answer: never because we were all babies. It's interesting how producing waste, something that is now a disgusting, yet some how humorous subject, was back then seen as this joyous event in which everyone had to participate in. Even when it was seen as a horrible chore, still because it was done by a baby(us) then was seen it a much lighter light. Yes, at that point our poops were seen as wonderful. Why? Because we didn't know any better! Yeah, that was when drooling was ok too cause we were so adorable, shit, we could have eaten our vomit and a picture of it would have been put in the our baby photo album. AND WHY? Because we're babies! 

You know what's strange? This will sound really disgusting, but sperm is erotic and kinky at least in a pornographic sense, and in that way it seems hypocritical. I mean it's a bodily fluid just like urine, shit, blood and spit. It's bodily fluid, so what makes some fluids more acceptable than others? Seriously, why is it so adorable for a baby to crap their pants, but not a grown adult. I'm not saying that I think it's okay for adults to use their pants as rest rooms, but if shit is just that, shit, then why is a newborn so cutie? I mean newborns are cute but why is their shit okay? Last time I checked a shit packed diaper is not one of the appealing factors in terms of being a mother. It damn sure isn't one when caring about the elderly. But if shit is so disgusting then why are their jokes about diarrhea? If poop stinks then why are fart jokes so hilarious? Why?   

Is that funny? Is it? The fact that Brian is eating Stewie's shit funny? I don't think so, well actually in this context it is. But the point still remains. How about this?

   OR THIS?

What about Brian? Check this out:

Yeah, poop ain't so cute when it's on a dog or an adult man. Observe:

But what am I trying to say? What is the point of this intro? Well that humor is only funny in certain context, which sucks? The fact that when I have a magnificent bowel movement, and I want to so it to my wife, it's disgusting, but farting a green cloud and then dutch ovening my wife is okay. What about the whoopie cushion? 

What the fuck is it about bodily functions that makes they so taboo, yet so hilarious? 

 

Was all of that funny? Was watching a dumb ass animated cartoon about a guy's girlfriend flooding the bathroom with her shit really that funny? How about a kid reading a magazine with a can of air fresher while he blows up the bathroom? Is pushing out the stinky smelly nasty black to brown to green waste material that is produced out of your bacteria producing asses that corrals round and round the toilet  and if you've had your fiber that day it might even perch it's head up and kiss you on the ass actually humorous. Isn't that funny; really that funny? Is it????????

Well actually it is? What am I talking about? Poop, diarrhea, and farts are hilarious and I think that they should have more humor about those bodily functions. I mean what's there to loose? A sitcom? A career? Who gives a fuck-it's funny. Now how about more jokes about vagina farts?

  

  See now wasn't that funny? Didn't you laugh? I know I did. And if you didn't well fuck you! Although it was kinda lame, but I tried. Still I'm humiliated; my mother was right I'm a stupid, dirty boy. What's that mother? But she's nice mother. No Mother No!

This is a sketch by a talented friend of mine whose name is King. You like? It is a beautiful piece. Moving on.

Here is a dirty joke that might make this a tad bit more entertaining.

One evening a mother and father were fucking in their bedroom when their son walked in on them. Terrified, horrified and confused, the young boy ran off. 

"He saw us making love, what do we do?" the boys mother exclaimed. 

"I'll take care of it" the father answered.

Leaving the bedroom to find his son, the father discovers the boy in the grandmothers bedroom. Looking inside, the father saw his son laying on top of the grandmother viciously going at it. 

The father shouted "what the hell are you doing!"

The boy  glared at his father exclaiming "It's not so great when it's your mother is it?!"

HHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Funny shit isn't it. I mean like Sam Kenison, or Andrew Dice Clay funny. By the way what ever happened to the "Dice man"? He was big for awhile, and then almost like those child actor from all those 80's sitcoms he fell off the face of the earth? What's he doing now? Is he exchanging sexual favors for Sudafed. Is he now the leader of some secret band of ninja assassins? Was that his back up plain? How much you wanna bet that one day we're going to stumble on to him in a german dungeon porn trying to say all his fames punch lines in german while he's getting nailed by a tranny dress as an S.S. officer. Think about it and get back to me.

Here is another piece of art work done by a friend of mine, Andrew. I though since the past several issues I have focused so much on family guy I thought that I might diversify a little. And diversify a little more.

Is it just me or is the Dole banana sticker phallic shaped? How penis like do they have to make it. a banana is alright phallic, but now they got to put a sticker on it that has a shaft and then a head. Why not just fill it with cream so when you squeeze it or bit into it you get that delicious filling. Have I over analyzed it too much?

Here's some a little more sophisticated. A cartoon from the "New Yorker" magazine. Do feel less dirty now?

I didn't think so.

Now we'll move on to the part that we all love the most, and that is "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". So for this issue "What Really Chaffs My Nuts" are all those goddamn Christmas music produced by all those pop artist that are nothing more than fucking remakes the same classical carols about Christmas cheer. I mean this is how it usually goes; once Halloween is over, stores like SEARS, and JC PENNY immediately breakout the fake mistletoe, the inflatable santas', and the arisol cans of fake snow. They pop in one of those million and some odd Maira Carrie self absorbed album of the billionth rendition of "Silent" Fuckin' "Night", or "Jingle Bells". The title of the album: "Have a hollie fucking nervous break down, become nuttier than a shit house rat Christmas". Or how about another Harry Connick Jr. white man jazz pop album filled with so much sunshine happiness that after the third bar you just want to slit your wrists. And that's only the beginning.

Christmas is the only fucking holiday I know of that we in the west begin to prepare for like six months in advance. Christmas in July? What the hell? A holiday that while celebrating the birthday of a man that literally lasts half the damn year. I'm not saying that Jesus wasn't a great man because he truly was, but still he was a man. However, that wouldn't bother me expect for one reason, the holiday that was supposed to have so much meaning behind it, has now become nothing   more that an excuse to capitalize on humanitie's emotions as a whole. What is the result? Insanely vicious materialistic parents who end up causing a riot on Black Friday in "Toys R' Us" trampling each other to death in the process.

     

And another fucking thing, in our society being thin and pretty is of the utmost importance, but Christmas time comes and we all support the idea of an obese old hairy-ass man in a red suit trying to squeeze his orca sized body down a fucking chimney with a huge sack of presents that were supposed to contain all the dream gifts of all the children in the world. First off how the hell does one man possibly achieve such a thing?

    

I mean what more needs to be said? Well a lot more. A special day that celebrated the birthday of a man who began a new religion, and instead we got Bing Crosby, Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the red nose rain deer, Kathy Lee Gifford Christmas specials, Conway Twitty, old reruns of Ozark Jambilee, claymation, Christmas caroling, the old classic film "A Christmas Carol", and those disgusting fruit cakes. But what's probably the worst are those fucking decorations, like those string of lights. First you gotta hang the string which can already be a fucking problem when decorating the tree, but on the outside you might as well just not even bother hanging them and just use them to hang yourself with them. Why, because when one fucking light goes out they all go out, so you might as well just hang yourself. That would sure as hell be one really great way to to decorate your home. What a nice way to welcome your in-laws. The only thing that would better express your feels would be a head on a pike. 

     

Like that? Of course you don't. Shit, I wanna floss with razor wire when ever I hear her voice, and I kinda like her. But for all those unsure, I'll play this for you:

      

You still feel in the spirit of the season? Of course you don't. After that your whole perspective of the world has changed, from a place where people are generally good to a world where evil rules supreme. What else could explain why the hell someone would actually let that horrific piece of imagery and sound see the light of day? Huh? Well that doesn't really matter, your disillusioned now and there no point in living; just kill yourself now. It's best for everyone. Celebrating Christmas as a two month long holiday is terrifying. 

  

When you start seeing these type of commercials before Thanksgiving, it's then that you know that this holiday truly has no more meaning past just selling as much shit to people as possible. So, think about that next time you sit down with your family for thanks giving and you see a goddamn fucking christmas commercial for some new bullshit falla-lal-la music album, think about the fact that this is the beginning of the end. Maybe not the world, but definitely of sincereity or genuine belief of anything sacred. I mean let's be honest Hanukah is a fucking back to school holiday, but we as a society haven't sold out on it's true purpose. The same can be said about most other non-christian holidays. The holidays that we as westerns celebrate have become so diluted that sewer water is purer than that shit. But hey, what do I know, after all I'm a child of this bullshit season to be jolly, and a huge fan of family guy. Either way, next time "Merry Christmas Chatlie Brown" is shown Thanksgiving evening just take the electric turkey carver and start working on your neck. It may hurt, at first but in the end it will feel better. 

Until next time,

Lou Ford

Hello, and welcome to another issue of "Dirty Filthy Snuff". As I mentioned I am celebrating Seth Macfarlane's birthday! As you know he is the man who created such wonderful shows as "Family Guy, American Dad, and Thr Cleveland Show". Yes, he is the man who is my hero, the wind beneath my wings.
Yes, his delicious depiction of a lower middle class Irish family has wrung so truth for me that for the first two seasons of the show I had to go to extensive therapy to expel all the demons.

The beauty of the dysfunction that soaked the plot made my penis harden quicker ... oh shit! Sorry! But in all honesty how could the preciseness of the depiction of americana not be intriguing. Peter going away on a women's sensitivity retreat due to his sexist behavior at work, and coming back almost a women was so hilarious that when I was eating diner, and I fell off of the couch and accidentally gave myself a vasectomy with my fork.

These events like the clip above are examples of times when new nations are born, and the heavens open up to reveal the joyous purposes of life, but well with power of the media, and the oil companies, and global warming that chance has been taken away.

And this is the tragic ending, right above us. Make sense? It doesn't to me either, but it's sure as hell funny.


That is what Seth MacFarlane really does, he makes us feel; he makes us human again. Oh god I love him, and while once again I could put down it so many words, but I think I'll leave it up to these next clips.

Yes, Seth Macfarlane is the man who gives meaning to word "humanity".

Don't ask me why I choose that clip, but it is one of the best scenes from family guy. I mean the idea of really being able to kick the shit out of those coupon passing out mascots is an honest look into the truth about what we would all like to do to those fur wearing snooty pricks. Why I remember that one of those guys in a fucking giant chicken suites was trying to give me a coupon to a dry cleaners. I said no, he told me not to be a dick. I told him that I didn't want his capitalist bullshit marketing ploy. He then proceeded to try to shove a coupon down my throat. What happened next was that I apparently tried to knawl through his breastplate, and he tried to peck out my eyes with the costumes beak. The police came, and next thing I know we were spasming from a taser, and choking on our nuts. Isn't it wonderful what a positive example prime time television presents? But, seriously, moving on.

   See, how could you not love a guy like that. I mean he's funny, I mean like offensive law suit funny, but still funny. And how can you not love his cute adorable face. He's got chubby cheeks yes he does!

Happy Birthday Seth. Until next time, Take it away Seth!

Sincerely,

Lou Ford

Hello everybody. This is Lou Ford, and welcome to another issue of "Dirty Filthy Snuff". Yesterday was a very special day. It was SETH MACFARLANE'S Birthday. Yes, the demigod that is the talent encases in the flesh and blood that is Seth who was born on the 26th!

IT'S SETH!

Yes he is the man who was the only one hired my Hannah Barbara just for his writing ability. He is the man who can up with the only show that somehow makes a flaming gay one year old an acceptable subplot in a prime time show. How about making pedophile funny too. Observe:

 

Isn't that terrific!

I mean who can make Jesus an egotistical fame junkie, but yet have him still come across holy and angelic. Who can? Seth can. 

Seth is so wonderful, that he is on my mind every second of the day. I want to be like him, be inside of .... woooh. That was a little to revealing and creepy. But, I can't help it. He is the epitome of what humanity should be. Hearing the voice he does just brightens my day, and I end up taking my three finger and ...awww! Here I go again. I really do have work on that and develop a filter. Anyway there is so much more that I could say about Seth, but I'll just leave it up to these clips. Tadah!

There is so much more that this wonderful, iconic humanoid has given to us. So much it boggles the mind and sends a tingly sensation through all your extremities when your mind realized that, and that tingling can in turn give you a woody. For the next several days we will be celebrating the birth of one of the most important men born in our lifetime. The heterosexual who loves Broadway musicals, can do sixty thousand voices, and create a dumb ass like Peter Griffin who is offensive as hell, stupid, irresponsible, alcoholic, and at times abuse and yet still have him touch our very souls. Thank you!

Until next time,

Lou Ford

Hi, and welcome to another installment of "Dirty Filthy Snuff". I hope that you enjoyed the last installment. And to begin this one I will talk about one very important aspect of society, and that is "male bonding. Male bonding is one of those phenomenons that seems to me to be a very unnecessary thing. While spending time with your male friends is great, I think that there does seem to be a boundary that always is crossed when a group of men all pal around in a pack. The end results usually turn out in two ways, some really corny trip down to some shady, hole in the wall titty bar where every god damn stripper has a c section scar, and for 20 dollars you can cum on it. It's either that or some drunken night out where some of you cheat on each others girlfriends or wives; end up raping some bar "skank" catching some STD, and to top it off one of you kills a stripper by shoving dollar bills down her throat.

And what about hunting? Isn't that a good bonding activity?

See, I don't know, but a bunch of macho, drunk dudes carrying loaded fire arms doesn't necessarily seem like a good idea. In an activity where it's all about who got the biggest gun, or who can bag the biggest buck, you mix in inexperienced young men and you usually get an unfortunately incident that usually results in the group having that many more skeletons in all of their closets. Somebody gets shot, or while drunk one of group has a homosexual or a beastiality incident. So while hunting is fine and pleasurable sport. It's not always the best activity for a bunch of young, dumb and full of cum jack asses to do.

And there is another kind of male bonding, father-son. A great thing depending on the family.fucking dynamic So it's okay if your the Brady Bunch, but a "normal" dysfunctional family, well, then it's not so good. Observe:     



Now is that truly the kind of male father-son bonding we want to see. Yeah ever wonder why John Bobbit got his cock amputated? Well, this is a pretty good incite into why. Now I know that this seems a little extreme, and your right. That is because it's supposed to be funny. However, in all honesty what the hell is up with all the bullshit superficial dick measuring contests men have to participate in in order to feel close? I get the sex, and the fun that accompanies strippers (and alike) can be great for all parties involved, but why the most degrading possible activity for all involved? Seriously, activities that will result in someone becoming a father comparable to Bing  Crosby.

Yeah, an alcoholic, choir boy actor pot head who was an abusive father. Yup do you really want that? I mean just look at him, isn't he an ugly bastard. The only thing worse than that would if it resulted into this:

Yeah, we all remember this dick. Or this could be the result:

Yes, our friend, the funny man Eddie Murphy. You remember that arrest for soliciting a transsexual prostitute. This could also happen:

Something innocent all of sudden turns into an escalated incident of aggression and violence. So, I guess the point is that while male bonding is important, the only question I have is how many times do we seriously have to watch our drunken buddy try to get it up for a stripper, or take our crippled friend to a titty bar as a joke because we know that he can't use his penis. How many strippers have to die to careless dollar bill placement. And how many have to drown to due one of the fellas standing up in the boat while fishing? How many deaths due to stupid dares, or the father-in-law of the future groom having a heart attack for the excitement of lap dance? So lets think about that while we view this clip from family guy: 

Yeah, we don't want that to happen, now do we. Thanks for reading. Moving along.

Are You Lonely? Do you have trouble with commitment, or haven;t been laid in a while? Are you thoroughly disguised with dating websites, or speed dating? Well, my good friends look no further. From the people that gave you the fuck-you-a-gram, comes the new product that will forever change the idea of companionship all together. prepare yourself for "Pussy in Your Pants". 

  With pussy in your pants everything is catered to you. Does the carpet match the drapes? That doesn't matter because it's all carpet. That pussy is in your pants. And there's no need for buying dinner, the pussy is already in your pants. 

 

Worried about you performance, well nothing not to worry, these pussy only purr when their happy.

Have you had to deal with the passive aggressiveness of a significant other. The viciousness of a silent fuck you from a bitchy glare and being ignored blandly for a simple mistake like missing your anniversary by one day, or accidental throwing one of her under wire bra in the dryer, but if she erases a television show you recorded on the DVR, and your anger isn't justified. Or how about feminising everything in your home leaving lace doilies and flower partners everywhere; you can't be mad though right? I mean, that's what a relationship is, we guys are supposed to know when and why our girlfriends or wives are angry,along with being able to read their minds at every single second of the day even when we're not with them right? RIGHT? RIGHT?

Well, you don't have to worry about that here because our pussy are very forthright. Observe:

  

Was that clear enough for ya! Yes when our pussies express their feeling to you, they do it loud and clear. They're sweet, adorable, furry, sexy maybe. Possibly a little psychotic sure. But lovable, well that's undeniable. The best part is that they won't ever leave you cause they're in your pants. No matter where you go, they'll always be there for you.

Why, well cause unlike that stray pussy you picked up at the local dive that ends up giving you the clap, our pussy are like I said before in you fucking pants. And you can take them anywhere. 

To School:

To Work:

Family reunions

Hell why bother going any where! In fact don't even bother leaving your house!

And why? How many times to I have to repeat the answer. The Pussy is in your pants!

So if you lonely, lazy, disfigured hideously, too busy, or maybe just too much of a douchbag, then call us at 1-800-cuddlycunts. Yes I said cuddly cunts, that right I used the "c" word; I said cuddly. Deal with fellas!

Pussy In Your Pants! Think of the fun!

If you want hours of erotic furry fun then call 1-900-MEOWGASIM to talk to our pussies live.

And coming soon for all the ladies out there: Cobra in your cooch.

I think that's enough foreplay for now, so we will proceed to thing that my five readers have been waiting for. "What Really Chaffs My Nuts"! Today we're gonna talk about funerals and wakes.

What Really Chaffs My Nuts are wakes and Funerals!

A death of any kind is a horrible tragic occurrence, and because of it's impact on those associated with the loss, there is a need for such rituals as funerals and wakes to help and support those in pain. It also could be viewed as a healthy way to grieve. And while that's all fine and dandy, what I don't get is food, drink, and the semi-party atmosphere all of these events or rather the ones that follow. Right? Is that shit weird or what? I don't get it.

I mean you go to the service where everybody is all weepy eyed "Oh my god he was so young", or "It's such as shame boohhhoo! Whaaaa!" As the only real person who gave a fuck about the deceased individual gives the eulogy everybody else just sits all politely, some shedding tears, but others apparently just itching to get the fuck out of the church, and knawl on the free food at the gathering after.

Now I get that I'm being a little insensitive, but after attending several funerals and wakes it has come to my attention as to how phony, and disrespectful these events can be. And I mean on both the family side and the friends. I'll go into the family side first.      

I mean it always amounts to some asinine display of love, well like this cutaway from "Family Guy", although still very sincere. But in realty let's be honest even the closest families still come to look at the entire thing as exhausting, and bullshitty. Take for example this:

What fuck is that. Ok, now I get that Uncle Knickknack liked his recliner, football and his "Steelers"
blanket, but does the rest of the family really need to see that corpse sitting out on the alter of the damn church? I understand that you wanna give him one hell of a send off, but haven't you already done enough by posing his body that way. What else you gonna give the corpse? A cigar, a bowel of chips and some fuckin onion dip? Why not hire a stripper to ride his rigor mortis cock before they put him in the ground. Why is it that death hits some of us so hard, but others not so much? I guess we could look at it this way, in terms of family it's very true that we may love our family, but it damn sure doesn't mean that you gotta like em'. How many of you have gone to the funeral for some uncle or second cousin that you didn't know or didn't like? How many of you out there, raise you hands. Okay so I can't see your hands, but I'm sure you have. And what usually happens at the services? You get bored, you giggle at your freakish aunts, and other family members, all the while your knees bouncing up and down faster than high school virgin's premature ejaculation. The only thing you can think about is the gather afterwords, and the fact that your "hot" cousin who is only related to you through adoption might let down her guard and you could score.

So you sit there you try to show your sympathy at your relatives house eating the Baked Ziti , the shrimp cocktail that they somehow thought was appropriate for the occasion. All the while everybody is drinking the free beer and wine, debating about whose child is cuter, smarted, or more talented. The older males of the family are outside with cigars in their hands joking and laughing, bullshit about things at work or last nights game. It's all basically a caring, compassionate, action that supports the grieving. And about the grieving, while all the bullshit is going on the grieving are left on the couch alone to try to make sense of everything, and then when everyone leaves once they've finished feeding on the free food, to true despair.
              

Woow! Could you imagine the a funeral like that? I mean that's just like the apartments they rent.
But anyway, so now we'll start with the friends. As great as friends maybe, just think about it; unless it's someone their really close to, they'll be there to show support, but they still have their own lives. Look at it like this, it's kinda like veteran's day. We're really appreciative of what our nations soldiers have done for our country, but unless we got one in the family we're more interested in what's our friend is gonna be cooking at his BBQ. That's how it is, right, and be honest to yourself. As much as you may have wanted to be supportive, but if your not feeling it, than what is there to do but eat the free food, get your buzz on, and try to play on one of the hot, but emotional distraught ladies you see in there (if your a guy). It's the only respectable thing to do.

Now before you condemn me, understand that this is just a joke. Anyway so I guess that sums up "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". Take care until next time. I'll leave you with this.    

Until next time,

Lou Ford