Do you remember when having a bowel movement was something to be cellebrated? Do you?! Remember when it was adorable to have made poopies? How about when using the potty was a Hallmark moment? Well, do you? The answer: never because we were all babies. It's interesting how producing waste, something that is now a disgusting, yet some how humorous subject, was back then seen as this joyous event in which everyone had to participate in. Even when it was seen as a horrible chore, still because it was done by a baby(us) then was seen it a much lighter light. Yes, at that point our poops were seen as wonderful. Why? Because we didn't know any better! Yeah, that was when drooling was ok too cause we were so adorable, shit, we could have eaten our vomit and a picture of it would have been put in the our baby photo album. AND WHY? Because we're babies!
You know what's strange? This will sound really disgusting, but sperm is erotic and kinky at least in a pornographic sense, and in that way it seems hypocritical. I mean it's a bodily fluid just like urine, shit, blood and spit. It's bodily fluid, so what makes some fluids more acceptable than others? Seriously, why is it so adorable for a baby to crap their pants, but not a grown adult. I'm not saying that I think it's okay for adults to use their pants as rest rooms, but if shit is just that, shit, then why is a newborn so cutie? I mean newborns are cute but why is their shit okay? Last time I checked a shit packed diaper is not one of the appealing factors in terms of being a mother. It damn sure isn't one when caring about the elderly. But if shit is so disgusting then why are their jokes about diarrhea? If poop stinks then why are fart jokes so hilarious? Why?
Is that funny? Is it? The fact that Brian is eating Stewie's shit funny? I don't think so, well actually in this context it is. But the point still remains. How about this?
OR THIS?
What about Brian? Check this out:
Yeah, poop ain't so cute when it's on a dog or an adult man. Observe:
But what am I trying to say? What is the point of this intro? Well that humor is only funny in certain context, which sucks? The fact that when I have a magnificent bowel movement, and I want to so it to my wife, it's disgusting, but farting a green cloud and then dutch ovening my wife is okay. What about the whoopie cushion?
What the fuck is it about bodily functions that makes they so taboo, yet so hilarious?
Was all of that funny? Was watching a dumb ass animated cartoon about a guy's girlfriend flooding the bathroom with her shit really that funny? How about a kid reading a magazine with a can of air fresher while he blows up the bathroom? Is pushing out the stinky smelly nasty black to brown to green waste material that is produced out of your bacteria producing asses that corrals round and round the toilet and if you've had your fiber that day it might even perch it's head up and kiss you on the ass actually humorous. Isn't that funny; really that funny? Is it????????
Well actually it is? What am I talking about? Poop, diarrhea, and farts are hilarious and I think that they should have more humor about those bodily functions. I mean what's there to loose? A sitcom? A career? Who gives a fuck-it's funny. Now how about more jokes about vagina farts?
See now wasn't that funny? Didn't you laugh? I know I did. And if you didn't well fuck you! Although it was kinda lame, but I tried. Still I'm humiliated; my mother was right I'm a stupid, dirty boy. What's that mother? But she's nice mother. No Mother No!
This is a sketch by a talented friend of mine whose name is King. You like? It is a beautiful piece. Moving on.
Here is a dirty joke that might make this a tad bit more entertaining.
One evening a mother and father were fucking in their bedroom when their son walked in on them. Terrified, horrified and confused, the young boy ran off.
"He saw us making love, what do we do?" the boys mother exclaimed.
"I'll take care of it" the father answered.
Leaving the bedroom to find his son, the father discovers the boy in the grandmothers bedroom. Looking inside, the father saw his son laying on top of the grandmother viciously going at it.
The father shouted "what the hell are you doing!"
The boy glared at his father exclaiming "It's not so great when it's your mother is it?!"
HHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Funny shit isn't it. I mean like Sam Kenison, or Andrew Dice Clay funny. By the way what ever happened to the "Dice man"? He was big for awhile, and then almost like those child actor from all those 80's sitcoms he fell off the face of the earth? What's he doing now? Is he exchanging sexual favors for Sudafed. Is he now the leader of some secret band of ninja assassins? Was that his back up plain? How much you wanna bet that one day we're going to stumble on to him in a german dungeon porn trying to say all his fames punch lines in german while he's getting nailed by a tranny dress as an S.S. officer. Think about it and get back to me.
Here is another piece of art work done by a friend of mine, Andrew. I though since the past several issues I have focused so much on family guy I thought that I might diversify a little. And diversify a little more.
Is it just me or is the Dole banana sticker phallic shaped? How penis like do they have to make it. a banana is alright phallic, but now they got to put a sticker on it that has a shaft and then a head. Why not just fill it with cream so when you squeeze it or bit into it you get that delicious filling. Have I over analyzed it too much?
Here's some a little more sophisticated. A cartoon from the "New Yorker" magazine. Do feel less dirty now?
I didn't think so.
Now we'll move on to the part that we all love the most, and that is "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". So for this issue "What Really Chaffs My Nuts" are all those goddamn Christmas music produced by all those pop artist that are nothing more than fucking remakes the same classical carols about Christmas cheer. I mean this is how it usually goes; once Halloween is over, stores like SEARS, and JC PENNY immediately breakout the fake mistletoe, the inflatable santas', and the arisol cans of fake snow. They pop in one of those million and some odd Maira Carrie self absorbed album of the billionth rendition of "Silent" Fuckin' "Night", or "Jingle Bells". The title of the album: "Have a hollie fucking nervous break down, become nuttier than a shit house rat Christmas". Or how about another Harry Connick Jr. white man jazz pop album filled with so much sunshine happiness that after the third bar you just want to slit your wrists. And that's only the beginning.
Christmas is the only fucking holiday I know of that we in the west begin to prepare for like six months in advance. Christmas in July? What the hell? A holiday that while celebrating the birthday of a man that literally lasts half the damn year. I'm not saying that Jesus wasn't a great man because he truly was, but still he was a man. However, that wouldn't bother me expect for one reason, the holiday that was supposed to have so much meaning behind it, has now become nothing more that an excuse to capitalize on humanitie's emotions as a whole. What is the result? Insanely vicious materialistic parents who end up causing a riot on Black Friday in "Toys R' Us" trampling each other to death in the process.
And another fucking thing, in our society being thin and pretty is of the utmost importance, but Christmas time comes and we all support the idea of an obese old hairy-ass man in a red suit trying to squeeze his orca sized body down a fucking chimney with a huge sack of presents that were supposed to contain all the dream gifts of all the children in the world. First off how the hell does one man possibly achieve such a thing?
I mean what more needs to be said? Well a lot more. A special day that celebrated the birthday of a man who began a new religion, and instead we got Bing Crosby, Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the red nose rain deer, Kathy Lee Gifford Christmas specials, Conway Twitty, old reruns of Ozark Jambilee, claymation, Christmas caroling, the old classic film "A Christmas Carol", and those disgusting fruit cakes. But what's probably the worst are those fucking decorations, like those string of lights. First you gotta hang the string which can already be a fucking problem when decorating the tree, but on the outside you might as well just not even bother hanging them and just use them to hang yourself with them. Why, because when one fucking light goes out they all go out, so you might as well just hang yourself. That would sure as hell be one really great way to to decorate your home. What a nice way to welcome your in-laws. The only thing that would better express your feels would be a head on a pike.
Like that? Of course you don't. Shit, I wanna floss with razor wire when ever I hear her voice, and I kinda like her. But for all those unsure, I'll play this for you:
You still feel in the spirit of the season? Of course you don't. After that your whole perspective of the world has changed, from a place where people are generally good to a world where evil rules supreme. What else could explain why the hell someone would actually let that horrific piece of imagery and sound see the light of day? Huh? Well that doesn't really matter, your disillusioned now and there no point in living; just kill yourself now. It's best for everyone. Celebrating Christmas as a two month long holiday is terrifying.
When you start seeing these type of commercials before Thanksgiving, it's then that you know that this holiday truly has no more meaning past just selling as much shit to people as possible. So, think about that next time you sit down with your family for thanks giving and you see a goddamn fucking christmas commercial for some new bullshit falla-lal-la music album, think about the fact that this is the beginning of the end. Maybe not the world, but definitely of sincereity or genuine belief of anything sacred. I mean let's be honest Hanukah is a fucking back to school holiday, but we as a society haven't sold out on it's true purpose. The same can be said about most other non-christian holidays. The holidays that we as westerns celebrate have become so diluted that sewer water is purer than that shit. But hey, what do I know, after all I'm a child of this bullshit season to be jolly, and a huge fan of family guy. Either way, next time "Merry Christmas Chatlie Brown" is shown Thanksgiving evening just take the electric turkey carver and start working on your neck. It may hurt, at first but in the end it will feel better.
Until next time,
Lou Ford
