Hello and welcome to another, yet another issue of "Dirty Filthy Snuff". I was away, out of town and I've had some catching up to do. While I was in the process of this I came across something that I thought was magnificent, stupendous, and amazing. 

So this is what really chaffs my nut. What really chaffs my nuts are imaginary friends.

Do you remember what it was like to imaginary friend? That one being that accepted you for all that you were, enjoyed everything you did, and protected you. It was the most important thing in your life, and no one else could see it? Weird huh? Why? Because your a child, and a hallmark of almost any childhood is the advent of imagination. Yes that thing that helps your mind grow, reassuring your parents that your developing normally. That is until this happens ...  

I mean that's the danger of having an imaginary friend, the threat that the delusion will become reality. One day your playing with Bob the Construction Builder, and the next day your trying to give your brother a pair sand box shoe's due to the fact that he stole your plastic army men. Maybe that didn't make any sense, so at first your just playing with your new stuffed Bear named Pooh, and the next day your mauling your mother's arm cause "Pooh" is teaching you how to be a bear. I guess that's why they give kids Ritalin, huh? I mean that's why I was given it. I think, or was it cause of my scout master? Who was it that taught us about stranger danger? And seriously what the hell makes the phrase "Stranger Danger" so fucking fear inspiring that it could actually make a child not accept candy from a stranger. And for that matter who really came up with the phrase "Just Say No To Drugs"? I mean I know that the Reagan's where trying to help the child of America, but seriously just look at Nancy.    

Now that you have, really have you,. Just look at that face, and tell me is that really the face to tell you not to do drugs? Honestly Doesn't she kinda resembles a fruit bat with hair? With that face I would imagine that she'd actually cause a child to try drugs. I mean she's a humanoid bat woman, I'd expect that as a child her face resulted in me having psychological problems. But How the hell did I get off the topic, on right I got ADHD. Or was that after I got my head stuck in the the railing? No, I think that wasn't it, I mean I don't think so, I mean all I remember is being hyper, my mom hitting me and then everything getting fuzzy, and then I had to go live with a foster family for a while. But why am I talking about that, seriously. Imaginary friends kick ass.! Why? 

Do you really have to ask that question? They do cause you came up with them. They won't make fun of you, they'll do whatever you want, they'll stay as young as you want, and they won't ever leave you. Why cause you thought the fucker up, and if by some chance that friend does leave, you can come up with another one. Which by the way why the hell is it cutie for a child to have an imaginary friend, but if an adult does, then they're crazy or creepy. I mean it's the best thing in the world, just ask the lonely guy who has become a masturbating master, or the wife in a failed marriage. Her husband only turns back into himself after her orgasm. Imaginary friends are the best, I mean where would economics be with out  John Nash and his imaginary friends. He won the fucking Nobel Peace Prize, and he had several imaginary friends. How bad can imaginary friends be? Their not as bad as those Teletubbies. 

Yeah, you heard me right, the fucking Teletubbies! Man's imagination has come up with some pretty horrible things, but nothing quiet as evil as the Teletubbies. What you don't believe me. Take one good look at Tinky winky and tell that you don't see a demon overlord who doesn't want to enslave the human race. Yeah, we laugh now at the toddler targeted TV show, but just wait until one day when we all wake up in some red or yellow jump suite with a but flap and an antenna surrounded by a blue sky, rolling green hills, overtly talkative flowers, a sun that has the face of an infant, an happy infant, and bared wire and watch towers where the minions of the Teletubbies watch over us as a loud speaker plays loud gibberish speeches made by Tinky Winky with the sound of "Eh-ho", and "Uh-oh" being repeated so many times that you honestly come to believe that you are actually stand on the precipice of the abyss that leads into hell, and that jumping into that place would be a welcomed relieve to oppression. Damn you BBC and PBS!  

But I'm getting off topic.

But seriously, where would we be without our imagination? Where? There'd be no Alcoholic suicidal Russian novelist, no Looney Tunes, no fucking South Park, and God forbid no mother-fucking Family Guy. Shit, think about it, no damn theater, films, TV, karaoke; we just be a bunch of modernized, Technologically advanced Puritans or Mormons. We'd be like the Amish or the audience of the 700 Club. I mean if there wasn't imagination then there'd be no spoof storyline based, hardly well acted, or believable, but nevertheless hardcore erotic porn. I mean no babysitter who uses her body to pay the pizza delivery boy. No magic jinns who happen to grant sexual wishes. No busty female cops who's uniforms just happen to be daisy dukes, a belly shirt, stocks, black stiletto heels, and a case of bisexual lust so incarnate that her tools for interrogation included a chest of dildos and live sex shows. No more of this:

or this:

Not without imagination? Come on just admit it, we all have or had imaginary friends. They're great, but for anybody out there who doesn't believe me than look at this:

( Photo by Jason Tamvakis)  

Look at the picture above. She's pretty, a model and look a she has a stuffed puppy puppet as a best friend. Looking at that it doesn't seem to bad, does it? And for all you guys out there, just be honest she's hot so it doesn't matter if she has a stuff animal as a best friend, or if she fucking nuts, cause ya just wanna get laid. Imaginary best friends are the best things in the world. "Ted" comes out this summer; staring Seth Macfarelane. Till next time. 

Lou Ford.

FIN