The Real Dick Chenney. 

Isn't this kinda a turn on to know that beneath that possible Fascist exterior of the only vice president to be legally allowed to shoot a friend in the face with birdshot from a twelve gage also has a more sensitive, feminine side to him. I wonder what is a romantic date to him? Strawberries and whipped cream laced with his nitroglycerin pills? Just thinking about it sends shivers up my spine. Oh Yeah! 

Having said that, now it's time for our introduction. The opening for this issue or whatever you want to call this is all the goddamn remakes of all the eighty's moves that were ever made. Now, I get that we need to at times take a truly fan-fucking-dab-doosey-tastic move and rewrite it for a modern audience, that's fine. But as I am 

sure many would agree, there are some films that just shouldn't be touched. The whole idea of a remake of Alfred Hitcock's "Dial M For Murder" With the film "The Perfect Murder". I mean don't get me wrong Viggo Mortensen is great in just about everything he does, but fucking Michael Douglas, shit, unless you got a thing for spineless, unshapely things he just sucks. They have as usual continued, in the traditional capitalist, we own everything, Hollywood has decided to produce any old crap that will make a buck. Well, not all the time. Still, lets be honest there are some crack whores who are charitable than many in the business.

  Observe; Whitney, now a crackhead, is she more giving than, oh, the increasing psychotic Mel Gibson?

Yes, that Fanatical Catholic an altruistic man? Fuck no. Insane prick who happens to be lucky to have the knack for good story telling. 

Anyway, so now were on this whole kick of remaking every god-mother-fucking-damned film that our younger generation hasn't seen. That's why they remade "Nightmare On Elm Street", and fucking "Friday The !3th". I mean in all honesty "Friday The 13th" sucked to begin with, however it is a cult classic just like "Saturday Night Fever". Then of course came "Halloween". Rob Zombie is great, but the shit he gave us was so fucking affective at presenting a strikingly dark depiction of humanity I was so sensually disgusted that I thought I was gonna have to try to remove my own liver with my bare hands to somehow gain back my faith in the idea of hope. And so now they have begun to remake all the other cult classics, like the "Thing". I fucking wonder whose gonna play the alien? Joan Rivers? The movie poster for the remake says "It's not human, yet." Under that there should be a picture of Joan River's plastic surgeon. And believe it or not now they're remaking "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo". That should be great. But seriously, sometimes the first try is the best. Such as "Last House on the Left". The first one in my option already kinda hokey, with all the damn folk/acid music for a sound track, but then the second one ... But anyway, "Fright Night" has now been the latest in the remake trend. Hence, now we are presented with the performance of an irish actor, Colin Farrel, whose last Blockbuster Hollywood film was so transparent I begged for a carnivorous earwig to devour the back of my eyes. I just wanted there to be a gas leak that would result a wall of fiery, brim-stoney flame to roast in bath of purification. 

S.W.A.T.?

Really, a film about a bunch of hard-nosed flunky police officers from L.A. of course, who have nothing better to do but arrest perps in a very campy fashion. 100% quality Kato Kaolin would have been more convincing.

Yeah, we all remember that douchebag.. He would have been a breath of fresh air. Now we've got a remake of the wondrous film of "Conan The Barbarian" which again maybe a surprising entertaining piece of art that does cult classics honor. I mean let's face it, Arnold Schwarzenegger  is not a Gary Oldman, a Peter O'toole, or a fucking Robert Mitchum. With the exception of "Predator", "The Terminator", and "T2", he never had much to offer. With that in mind, Hollywood has also decided to remake "Total Recall". Again a cult classic, but still something that I wonder whether it need be touched. I know what you maybe thinking, who the hell is this jackass to making judgmental criticism about an institution that is obviously successful, and that has given our Western societies so much meaning, and your right. I probably shouldn't be, except for one reason, and that reason is that you and I as consumers are what make the money for that industry, hence forth  not wanting to see 20 some odd remakes of "Cyborg" movies, or "Count Dracula" retelling does hold some weight. That being said it is true that almost everything has been done, and so new ideas, and perspectives are hard to find. That in mind it is also true that material no matter how good the story line just isn't appropriate for mass consumption. A possibly wonderful science fiction story about aliens, and the nature of mankind that encompasses a man who has a flesh eating "little green" creature nesting in his ass is not something that could or should be given a mass release. And that does mean even if there is an excellent story line.

The only question I have now is are they gonna start remaking those teenage, high school quirky John Hughes films? Who will be in the cast of "The Breakfast Club" remake? Paris Hilton as Claire Standish, the "Princess"? Is Brittany Spears gonna be "The Basket case"? What about Mel Gibson as the "Dick" principle? How about Ron Jeremy as the teen friendly janitor, or Gary Busey. 

But, the point is that we as a society seemed to have lost our imaginations. I'll take a story about an ass dwelling alien, then see a retelling of a half assed scifi story set on fucking Mars with a three breasted midget hooker. Anyway, moving on.

                          

Hey did you know that Sarah Palin is really a dude. Yeah that's right under that suit and heels is really a muscle bound, mixed martal arts, kill a Kodak bear with her/his bare hands kinda creature. Truly the perfect right wing female member. When the family goes on vacations, Sarah aka "Sergio" Palin is rubbing tanning location on "her" husband. Repulsed, and yet strangely aroused? Join the club. 

And now we begin with the real reason that anyone has come to this blog/literary magazine. It's time for "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". The topic this time is men who are "pussy whipped".  

Now we all know what I'm talking about, those guys who have their whole lives are decided for them by their girlfriends or wives. Their the kind that are holding their girl's purses while they're shopping or while she's using the powder room. They are the ones who ...oh hold on. Did I do all my chores today? Let me check my list: laundry?

I washed the colors, but did I fold them? Yup. How about the whites? Yes, and folded yes! What about the delicates? Her bras ...Oh I didn't mean to say that. 

Anyway, they're the guys who are in the ten items or less line purchasing nine feminine hygiene, and a case of beer just so he doesn't look like a pussy?

 And by the way what brand of tamp ...

That was never written, forget that it was there. Because we're not talking about my femdom controlled life, we're talking about those other guys who go out on dates with matching t-shirts "That Say I'm With Her" and "I'm With Him". I mean men are supposed to be like Alpha dogs, big men, the boss, fucking Heman, or Conan  the Barbarian, but instead they get their lives run by She-man, or Red Sonya. A woman like Sarah Palin. Seriously they should just get it over with and bend over and take the mop handle in the ass, just accept it. Seriously, and that's my option on that subject. Well, I got to go before my wife gets home, and flogs me with a bamboo cain, and cuts me with a broken wine bottle for not cleaning the house. 

OH GOD I'M SCARED!

Lou Ford.