You remember the "Hallmark" greeting cards? Of course you do; they're the standard expected note of love, kindness, and all around remembrance of any special occasion. Those are the card that are so beautifully written, and manipulative that if the murderer of your family were to send you one from death row you'd actually consider champion for his sentence to communed to life as unopposed  to the death penalty. Yeah, that's how good the writers for the Hallmark Company are. I mean they just make you feel like your the most specialist person alive. At that moment all the planets aline, the heavens have opened and all the beautiful angels have ascended just to tell you that your loved by the almighty. Yes, that's what happens up until you look at the coffee table and see that your wife, husband, sibling, whoever it is has the same "Hallmark" cards. It's at that moment that your innocence is lost no matter what age. You could be 6 or 40. That supposed uniqueness which you were supposed to posses is nothing more that just a folded piece of special paper that has those wonderful words printed on them which are really mocking. But you can't be angry at them because it's:

           

It's Hallmark after all. It's our fault if we can't measure up to their, the companies, standards. And now as if that may not be enough, the owners of Crown Media Holds, which is majority own by Hallmark Cards, now has decided to saturate of consciousness with campy, morally upright, burping rainbows and farting butterflies family programing. Where is this programming coming from? A channel named after it's prediseor, The "Hallmark Channel". That channel gives us the type of programing produced by Chuck Norris and his brother. Not the "Missing In Action" or "Good Guys Wear Black" kool kind, but the "Walker Texas Ranger" production which by the way was a major main stay on none other than the the Hallmark channel.

Now the reason I bring this up is because I had forgotten exactly how disgustingly wholesome that network truly was.

 It's as wholesome as the Price is right, Drew Carey, and this laughter. Doesn't it just fill you with joy, all these
iconic symbols of Americana. Really, just listen to it again. Come on you know you want to. Come on!
Ha!
You can't because just like the annoying sound of this excited father of a lower middle class Irish catholic family, the fucking Hallmark Channel produces these things that if used as psychological warfare, would cause the enemy to commit suicide. Don't believe me, well just watch this.

Yeah, you listen to that? Tell me that didn't make you want to try to give yourself a broken glass enema to distract yourself from the pain? Were you able to even finish watching the opening credits? If you were than your a better man than me. In my option that channel sucks with it's overtly family orientated, politically correct programing like "Touched By An Angel" which by the way sounds more like a biograpgy of sexual abuse in the Catholic church. It's god damned despicable how campy that channel is. I mean it's one step above "Lifetime". The super feminist channel that exists for one reason, to remind all women that anything with a penis will hurt you in anyway possible before cutting off a locket of hair to keep as a trophy. The "700 Club" has more appeal than the programing that those channels provide. And the one thing I keep asking myself is how the hell does that channel stay afloat. I thought that it all had to do with ratings, but I guess like Kevin Cosner, it's is fate is to stay on the air providing suicide inducing television that somehow make watching the deaf kid from Barney tolerable.

So, what else can I say but you take the good, the bad, and there you have my damn introduction.

I would like to also address something that I'm sure the sparse readers of my blog have noticed, and that is the major influence "Family Guy" has had on me. I quota many of the various character's dialog, and while I do include alot of my own original material, it is true that "Family Guy" has directed much of my creativity. I don't know if that last statement made any sense, but I guess that it is true.

Still Seth Macfarline how could you not love something like this:

 

I mean come on. Or how about this:

Serious how can you not love this? I mean wouldn't it be great if there was a barber shop quartet to break all the bad news we get. All the cutaway gags that poke fun at Americana. I mean making fun of William Defoe by having him be the monster under Stewie's crib was absolutely brilliant. Fuckin' brilliant! Or how about an alcoholic talking dog named Brian, or a cutaway gag of Fat Albert with diabetes and an amputated leg, who  decides to still eat more chocolate. Or how about the Kool Aid guy being murdered by Stewie's evil clone? 

 

Come on, what other show can tastefully do an episode about an evil baby genius who realizes he's a masochist, and tries to get his mother to spank him so he can get off! Come on! Come on! Who else but Quagmire?

But seriously who else can use raunchy, dirty material poking fun at our nations culture, and yet still pass off as somehow being family orientated? There is "South Park", I can't exclude the genius behind that cartoon either; yet there is something about "Family Guy" that is warm, and comforting.

Now as wrong as that maybe still doesn't it in this bizarre way make you feel safe. Safe to know that those icons of pop culture who have seemed to have disappeared are still being remembered for what greatness if any they had. Seeing this makes me want the most slendiferous pudding pop I've ever seen. Ummmmm! Oh yeah, do "Fat Albert's" voice Mr. Cosby! OOOOOOHHHHHHHH YYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH! It FEELS GOOD!

Does this ever get old? The answer is no! Just look at the W's face, is this not the most honest depiction of his administration?    


Next up on our list of things is this explanation as to why, despite his bullshit strong Christan undertones that just seem to glow out from him, Chuck Norris is the toughest man in the world.

1. It is said that underneath Chuck Norris' beard there is not a chin, but another fist.

2. Chuck Norris commits armed robbery with other people's arms.

3. When Chuck Norris claps with one hand, the sound is deafening.

4. The Mona Lisa didn't smile before Chuck Norris spent a night at the Louvre.

5. Chuck Norris knows we put a man on the moon because Chuck Norris was who threw him up there.

And now it's time for "What Really Chaffs My Nuts". In this issue I'm going to rant about why it's okay for a woman to call her lover "daddy", but if a dude says "mommy" to his lover it means he's a freak.

Now we've all heard that expression "Whose your daddy?". It's humorous, and in some cases even sexually arousing. It sounds cool, and is symbol of masculinity. Basically, it's a complement if a intimate partner of a man calls him "daddy". It's a sign of her attraction and his strenght. That's all fine and dandy (regardless of the fact that it's somewhat incestial), but why is it inappropriate for a man to call his sexual partner "mommy"? What the fuck is up with that. Seriously, I get the whole "Oedipus complex" thing, and how creepy that is, but is it repulsive for the female sexual partner of a man to referred to as his mother, but somehow it's sexy for a woman to hold a man in the role as her father, but a woman who is in  the exact same sexual role and she is referred to as "mommy" and it's the fucking end of the world. Did the dude as you to make him wear diapers and sleep in a crip ladies? Do we have to Hispanic for it to be okay (that's a joke by the way). 

And here's another thing that we've all heard "daddy's little girl". See what I don't get is that in a society where so many are pressing for equal rights this is a double standard that still stays? What's the difference between "daddy's lit' girl" and "a boy's best friend is his is his mother".  Which is more sexual arousing and acceptable, for me as a man to referr to my wife as a dirty filthy slut? Should I call her a whore, and in our role playing possibly leave a fifty dollar bill on the dresser? Is smacking her around an alright solution? I mean would that be less of a turn off then the word "mommy". And if being called daddy by my lover is okay, then is it cool for me to dress up like the father in "Leave It To Beaver" and when I'm called "daddy" say Golloy gee a blow job sure sounds nice about now Sally" Or even better, I got it, can I dress up like her father, dye my hair, and adopt his mannerism? Do I get to ground her? Send her to her room? 

  

Is that more acceptable than the "m" word? 

 

Is calling you a total bitch better than calling you the "m" word in the heat of the moment?

And what the fuck is so sexy about be referred to as someone your fucking "father"? I had no idea that father hood was so arousing. I mean, I don't remember too many guys going for the single mom deal, not that there's any thing wrong with becoming involved with a single mother, regardless parenthood has never been a quality that singles have been seeking out. On the dating game most contestants aren't consciously asking for the one bachelor who reminds them the most of their father. If they get intimate then will that remind them of dad? Is that what being inside them will mean?

So that was okay compared to the whole mommy scenario? Wait a minute, my wife just called me her "daddy". Hold on here she's continuing to talk to me, and somethings going on here. What is it? Whoa! Either my pants are getting tighter, or I'm getting an erection. Damn it! I wasn't supposed to type that. And yet I still do, all while she keeps talking to me. Seriously, she keeps talking, now I've got half a pack of mentos in my pants. Shit, I'm getting off point but the point is that incest insinuating dirty talk should go both ways, so that way I don't feel about the last  family reunion, and the drunken game of spin the bottle we played.. Okay suddenly, my penis shriveled up so much that now it's official, I'm a woman. Just remembering that and I feel like I'm one of the cast members of the "Jersey Shore". That's the reason why god made drugs and alcohol. Wait she just asked me to spank her! But while wearing the same the style hat as her father. Wow, I really feel dirty. So, ain't way I guess my point got lost somewhere in my hillbilly incest style lust that really just made me vomit a little in my mouth. God that tasted good.

Until next time, I'm Lou Ford. Take care.