Hello once again. This is another installment of “Dirty Filthy Snuff”. I'll kick it right off with the juicy meat, “What Really Chaffs My Nuts”.
What really chaffs my nuts are those drivers that don’t use
their turn signals, and well actually driving in general. I mean honestly what
the fuck is the deal with people driving and not using their turn signals? I’m
not trying in anyway sound like a damn prudish, stick up my ass prick; well
actually I know I am coming off that way. But, we wonder why so many people die
in auto wreaks each year than maybe we need to examine our methods of driving.
Here’s an example:
Your driving along in your automobile, and to the right of
you this humongous SUV (well it’s actually more like a fucking luggary cargo
ship) with a blond Barbie soccer mom at the helm whose kids are in the back
watching “Sponge Bob while eating organic manderine oranges while Barbie texts
one of her tribe about the next Sunday punch social. Then she realizes that
she’s in the wrong lane, and she simply barrels her way into your lane nearly
causing you to flip your car and explode like all the actions sequences in all
B-action films.
It’s those same fucks that can’t wait the two seconds for you to step on the gas when the light turns green. And those are the same assholes that will make you sit at a light because they want to make a turn, but don’t feel like using their own turn signal. Which really makes me wonder why the hell car companies should still make turn signals. The whole point of a turn signal is that it lets people know that you’re making a turn. The signal lights are not cute decorations. But I’ll get back to that point in a moment.
See, a turn is to rotate on an axis, or in laymen terms for
the soccer mom and snobs alike, it’s the direction you go when you want to get
that low fat mocha latte at starbucks. But either way it’s a change in
direction, and so if you’re moving in a vehicle made of metal that weights so
many some odd tons that can move at so many some odd feet per second than it would
make sense that you might want to use some sort of early warning system to let
people know that you’re going for to your java. See then that way you won’t end
up running over young Tiffany and her Butter Cup troop. She’s an ambitious
little girl whose goals include selling the most cookies, marret badges, and
becoming the next mouseteer.
“Mommy, I never got to see Justin Bieber” or “Daddy what
happened to my legs?” That would be the heads lines, and all because some
fucking douche bag
in a silver BMW wearing sunglasses was distracted because he
was busy bragging to some secretary he corned into getting a drink with him. The same prick who would do something like this:
And don’t let me forget about (and don’t take this the wrong way) Asian drivers. You know those ones who when on a four lane highway, and they decide to use their turn signal the second right before they cross over three lanes to get to their exit.
And another thing, what’s up with elderly drivers? I mean
the DMV, which was created by freed slaves to get back at the white man, can
give back a license to a man who has been convicted of several DWIs; they’ll
give it back to a little old arthritic dementia suffering grandma who can
barely see over the steering wheel, but someone who is just trying to renew
their license and the prospect of getting a colonospicy with a garden hose and
a camcorder is more comforting. A little too harsh? Alright enough of bashing
such people as the old who forget their meds, love playing bingo, accuse
everyone of stealing from them, drink ensure, and have to be careful not to do
anything even scratch an itch to hard for fear of pooping themselves. This clan
we call the elderly.
Anyway, moving along, there is something else I’ve noticed,
and that is drivers who can’t seem to perform well on the road are from the one
and only state of New York. Yes, I said it, New Yorkers, almost all of the most deficient,
irresponsible, and ADHD drivers with self entailment issued motorists seem to
all relocate to the iconic melting pot of America like refugees only to fuck up
the driving experience as a whole. Which then brings us to another aspect of
driving? You know what it is? Do ya? Come take a guess. It’s one of the great ironies
of our modern world. Come on guess.
You figure it out? It’s road rage.
How’s it ironic? Well, one of the things of modern conveniences which were meant to make our lives less stressful is one of the biggest catalysts of chaos in society. Hence, road rage (aka asphalt ape shit). What would that stressed be due to? Let’s think about that for a second, but while we do let’s take a short intermission, and when we come back you’ll met a little girl who can touch her nose with her tongue.
How’s it ironic? Well, one of the things of modern conveniences which were meant to make our lives less stressful is one of the biggest catalysts of chaos in society. Hence, road rage (aka asphalt ape shit). What would that stressed be due to? Let’s think about that for a second, but while we do let’s take a short intermission, and when we come back you’ll met a little girl who can touch her nose with her tongue.
Hi, welcome back. I was going to introduce you to a little
girl from Ohio who could touch her nose with her tongue, but well Tiffany (the
little girl) was walking across the street with her butter cup troop, asking
her troop leader what prize was won for selling the most cookies, and the new
outfit her mommy bought for her Malibu Barbie when an SUV came careening around the corner and through
the cross walk hitting the poor child, smashing into her at a fairly elevated rate of speed
crushing her ribs causing a punctured
lung resulting into internal bleeding as the cute little girl’s screams of terror
were silenced by the sharp fragments of her ribs disrupted her. Being thrown
from the impact, Tiffany was ejected several feet in the air, her legs broken,
neck snapped, turning her from the adorable little girl she was into a bloody,
splattered rag doll that no one would ever recognize. And as she died on the
hot pavement, her troop leader cradling her head, the young girl hummed a song
from Disney’s “The Little Mermaid” before succumbing to internal bleeding.
It had turned from this:
:
Into this (just imagine that it’s a girl scout and not a
little boy):
So, what have we learned? What is the lesion? I’m not sure
there is, it’s obvious that there might need to be some tighter regulations on
who is allowed to drive. I mean if a decaffe non fat green tea latté
with two Splenda drinking WASP whose idea of being on a budget is using her
gold card rather than the platinum, and believes that the best way to afford
her ability to multitask, and protect her and her two and half children (two
and a half?) is by driving the civilian version of an armored personnel carrier
so that she can rush home to fuck the pool boy is the poster child of the
American motorist then we are fucked. I mean like MS fucked, roach motel "they check in but they don't check out", former
child actor, one hit wonder fucked. And all that is due to people not using
their turn signals. That’s what really chaffs my nuts.
AND now here are some more clips of bad driving. Enjoy!
FIN
